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Quotes

Maherisms:

"The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'"  -Bill Maher

"The [Olympic] Games were fun, but there were some very high profile mistakes...like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge."  -Bill Maher

"I haven't commented much on Tiger Woods because, well, he's just a golfer and it took me this long to give a s**t."  -Bill Maher

"Whenever something unspeakably tawdry, loathsome and cheap happens, just wait a few days, religion will make it worse."  -Bill Maher

"I was a golfer, I'd go with Jesus, because he's a 'trinity,' so when you walk with him, you've got a foursome."  -Bill Maher

"Buddhism teaches suffering is inevitable. The only thing that's inevitable is that if you have fake boobs and hair extensions, Tiger Woods will try to f**k you."  -Bill Maher 

On Foreign Relations:

"I don't think we can ultimately put down roots to any sort of improvement in the [Afghan] security situation."  -Richard Haass

"If we're ever faced with the choice of either attacking Iran or living with an Iran with nuclear weapons, it's an awful choice."  -Richard Haass

"We ought to be looking for ways to strengthen the 'green movement,' the opposition in the streets of Iran, to see if we can't help bring about a change in politics in that country."  -Richard Haass

On Health Care:

"I don't want to say [the health care summit] was boring, but at some point, curling broke out."  -Bill Maher

"In other healthcare news...balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack."  -Bill Maher

"The politics of fear is always an incredibly bad idea."  -Reihan Salam

"If Obama believes in healthcare reform, he should push it through. He has a majority. He doesn't need the Republicans to submit."  -Chrystia Freeland

"It's not as simple as 'We're the best in the world, good night.'"  -Bill Maher

"We have a system where the tax subsidies for rich people are much more generous than the tax subsidies for poor people."  -Reihan Salam

"America pays more for healthcare than any other industrialized country, and America has worse healthcare outcomes in aggregate. So, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say this system doesn't work."  -Chrystia Freeland

"You can't have too many shoes, in my view. So, to have a consumer-driven shoe market, for me, is fantastic...but, you can actually have too much medical treatment."  -Chrystia Freeland

"I don't think America has the best health care system in the world, but I think as a matter of pure politics, the Republicans have played this brilliantly."  -Chrystia Freeland

"You've got to realize, most white people are happy with EVERYTHING the way it is."  -Chris Rock

On Cars:

"I don't own a car company, but if I did a 'recall,' I would start it with 'fondly.' 'We fondly recall the Prius.' I just feel like it would lessen the blow quite a bit."  -Adam Carolla

"All the unfunny comedians are car guys. It's the blue-collar comedy guys, me, Leno, all those guys."  -Adam Carolla

"It's got to suck to be Japanese, because Pontiac went under and no one asked that fat f**k if we was going to kill himself."  -Adam Carolla

On Guns:

"[Republicans] are obsessed that Obama is coming for their guns, even though he has never said a word about guns."  -Bill Maher

"The problem is the gun trafficking; it's the fact that we can't trace the ownership of guns."  -Reihan Salam

"We should arm Democrats in Congress, and then maybe they would get some respect."  -Olivia Wilde

"I'll tell you the best home protection, because this is for everyone wants to protect their home: just a big Confederate flag. And, yeah, Al Sharpton may egg your house twice a month, but nobody is going to f**k with you because they just assume you're cleaning a shotgun."  -Adam Carolla

On Defense:

"This is my problem with the 'tea party' people - I don't get how you can be for small government and also for the military. Those two things contradict."  -Olivia Wilde

"I think we should actually probably pare back some of our ambitions as far as, you know, policing the world goes."  -Reihan Salam

"Maybe it's going to be more important to deal with what we're doing at home, to deal with our budget deficit, to deal with health care, than with being the world's cops."  -Chrystia Freeland

"This is a welfare program for the defense people."  -Olivia Wilde

"It's partly jobs, and even more, corporate welfare to defense contractors."  -Bill Maher

On Killer Whales:

"Also, in the category of 'obvious but still shocking,' an animal called a 'killer whale' killed someone who was trying to play with it. Now, no one knows exactly what enraged the whale, but earlier in the week, it had been thrown off a flight by Southwest Airlines."  -Bill Maher

"When people f**k with animals who should be in the wild, I'm sorry when they die, but you get what you get coming."  -Bill Maher

"Do you know what whale meat tastes like? It tastes like steak and fatty tuna together rolled up in a big ball of deliciousness."  -Reihan Salam

"Anytime somebody tries to ride you, if you knock them off, you should be able to kill them. I don't care if it's a niece or a nephew."  -Adam Carolla

"I'm not a big fan of zoos. But, you know, I've always made the point that I can't speak to animals. Maybe an animal in a zoo is like, 'Hey, this is a great gig. Dude, they throw the fish right at me, you know! It's a jungle out there.'"  -Bill Maher

Episode 174

February 26, 2010