Episode 174

February 26, 2010

New Rules

New Rule: This better not be a device that allows women to pee standing up. Okay, it is, and it's called the "Go Girl." The manufacturers say it's much more sanitary than sitting on a public toilet seat, unless you consider the fact that you're walking around with a piss-soaked funnel.

New Rule: No black athletes in the Winter Olympics. There's a reason we schedule these things in the cold and snow: so the tropical people won't show up and kick our ass. Look, you've got football, basketball, the presidency. Is it too much to leave us the ice dancing?

New Rule: Don't bring wine to my dinner party. Because then if you drink it, it's not really a gift, is it? But, if I choose a different wine, you're thinking, what the hell's wrong with the bottle I brought? And when you bring wine and then say, "I don't drink," what kind of condescending crap is that? Your cute little gift is such a minefield of potential awkwardness, thank God I'm already high.

New Rule: Saying, "Hey, it was the '80s," is not an excuse. This week, The New York Times broke the news that when Senator Scott Brown went on a first date with his wife, he was wearing pink leather shorts. Let me repeat that: he was wearing pink leather shorts. Because "it was the '80s." Scott, I remember the '80s, and one man wore that outfit. So, congratulations, tea-baggers, you just elected Richard Simmons.

This week, The New York Times broke the news that when Senator Scott Brown went on a first date with his wife, he was wearing pink leather shorts...Because "it was the '80s." Scott, I remember the '80s, and one man wore that outfit. So, congratulations, tea-baggers, you just elected Richard Simmons.

And, finally, New Rule: Stop saying "sex addict" like it's a bad thing! In the wake of Tiger Woods' heartfelt apology that he gave to his fans, his friends, his foundation, and, just to be safe, Elizabeth Edwards, the media has been interviewing sex addicts.

On CNN, one addict said, "The day Mount St. Helens blew up, everyone was talking about it, but I didn't even know it was happening because I was having sex all that day." Oh, the humanity! Please, get this man some professional help soon before he has a hot three-way and completely misses a tornado!

Now, I haven't commented much on Tiger Woods because, well, he's just a golfer and it took me this long to give a s**t - but all this talk about sex addiction now. Please, sex addiction is just something Dr. Drew made up because he had no other way to explain Andy Dick.

And that's just not me saying that. It's also the American Psychiatric Association, which does not list sex addiction in its manual. It does not regard it as a real psychological syndrome like delirium or bipolar disorder or any of the other things Glenn Beck suffers from.

But, before Tiger moves on, there's one more apology he really should make. And that's to Buddha. For dragging him into this mess, and proving once again that whenever something unspeakably tawdry, loathsome and cheap happens, just wait a few days, religion will make it worse.

Now, usually when famous cheaters are looking for public redemption, they go to Jesus. But, Tiger went "old school" and claimed that sleeping with two-thirds of the waitresses in America had made him a failure as a Buddhist. He said, Buddhism teaches you the way to inner peace is letting go of desire. And if that doesn't sound like marriage, I don't know what does.

Now, personally, if I was a golfer, I'd go with Jesus, because he's a "trinity," so when you walk with him, you've got a foursome.

I think what I'm saying is, Christianity is for rubes. Buddhism is for actors.

And it really is outdated, Buddhism. You know, the "life sucks and then you die" philosophy was useful when Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C., because back then, life sucked and then you died. But, now we have medicine and Pinkberry and TiVo and we have Vegas and Skype and the Go Girl piss-soaked funnel!

Our life isn't all about suffering anymore. Tiger said, Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves makes us unhappy. Which confirms something I've long suspected about Eastern religions: they're a crock, too.

Craving for things outside ourselves is what makes life "life." I don't want to learn to "not want." That's what people in prison have to do.

Buddhism teaches suffering is inevitable. The only thing that's inevitable is that if you have fake boobs and hair extensions, Tiger Woods will try to f**k you.

And reincarnation? Really? I mean, if reincarnation were real, wouldn't there be some proof by now? Like a raccoon spelling out in acorns, "My name is Herb Zoller and I'm an accountant."

People are always debating, is Buddhism a religion or a philosophy. It's A RELIGION. Because you're a religion if you do something as weird as when the Buddhist monks scrutinize two-year-olds to find the reincarnation of the dude who just died, and then choose one of the toddlers as the sacred Lama. Sorry, but thinking you can look at a babbling, barely housebroken, uneducated being and say, "That's our leader," doesn't make you enlightened. It makes you a Sarah Palin supporter.

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