New Rule: This better not be a device that allows women to pee standing up. Okay, it is, and it's called the "Go Girl." The manufacturers say it's much more sanitary than sitting on a public toilet seat, unless you consider the fact that you're walking around with a piss-soaked funnel.
New Rule: No black athletes in the Winter Olympics. There's a reason we schedule these things in the cold and snow: so the tropical people won't show up and kick our ass. Look, you've got football, basketball, the presidency. Is it too much to leave us the ice dancing?
New Rule: Don't bring wine to my dinner party. Because then if you drink it, it's not really a gift, is it? But, if I choose a different wine, you're thinking, what the hell's wrong with the bottle I brought? And when you bring wine and then say, "I don't drink," what kind of condescending crap is that? Your cute little gift is such a minefield of potential awkwardness, thank God I'm already high.
New Rule: Saying, "Hey, it was the '80s," is not an excuse. This week, The New York Times broke the news that when Senator Scott Brown went on a first date with his wife, he was wearing pink leather shorts. Let me repeat that: he was wearing pink leather shorts. Because "it was the '80s." Scott, I remember the '80s, and one man wore that outfit. So, congratulations, tea-baggers, you just elected Richard Simmons.