Maherisms:

We've been on a long break, and I have just been kickin' back, doin' nothin', like our government.  -Bill Maher

I am ready to get back to work reporting on the stories that matter and mean the most. Today, it was a golfer's penis. Tiger's 'wood.'  -Bill Maher

Sex addiction rehab in Mississippi is a little different. They teach you how to stop cheating on your sister.  -Bill Maher

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that is the only sport where they perform a half-pipe just after smoking a full pipe.  -Bill Maher

On Wall Street:

What I do is I get to oversee how Treasury spent money to bail out the big financial institutions. The question about whether or not we're going to change the rules is squarely with Congress. And that's not going so well.  -Elizabeth Warren

The reason that we aren't changing things right now is the banks have lobbyists in Washington in numbers I've never seen.  -Elizabeth Warren

We are still living in the paradigm of Ronald Reagan where we're afraid to explain what government should do, and therefore we're so queasy and weak that when we say that government should regulate business.  -Eliot Spitzer

On Congress:

The party out of power believes that they can get back into power by running against government and being the party of "no." And we see that in action now.  -Norah O'Donnell

I would suggest that Congress has utterly failed for probably 30 or 40 years to confront a single significant issue.  -Eliot Spitzer

Fundamental reform doesn't come from bipartisanship, and it seems to me bipartisanship has become appeasement. Barack Obama won an election based upon a set of principles. Fight for them.  -Eliot Spitzer

Any Republican who wants to filibuster now should be required to stand up and read aloud from 'Twilight.'  -Seth MacFarlane

On Terrorism:

Barack Obama has done more to catch terrorists from Al Qaeda and the Taliban than virtually the entire Bush Administration did in eight years.  -Eliot Spitzer

If Ronald Reagan were president, he would try Dick Cheney for war crimes.  -Seth MacFarlane

There are a lot of people out there who don't really care about the Constitutional or the civil liberties issues who are vehemently opposed to waterboarding precisely because it doesn't work, and you either get false information or no information.  -Eliot Spitzer

On Controversy:

Americans have voted with their vernacular. They need the word 'retarded.'  -Bill Maher

The older Bill O'Reilly gets, the more that head looks like Rubik, the Amazing Cube. Look up the reference - Saturday morning show from the '80s.  -Seth MacFarlane

On Don't Ask Don't Tell:

I think if we allow our soldiers to be open and serve in the military, it would clear up a lot of stuff. First of all, the U.S.O. shows will get much better.  -Wanda Sykes

It's not going to make the military soft or anything.  I mean, they're soldiers.  We're talking, yeah, they're gay, but we're not talking RuPaul, Elton John gay, we're talking 'Brokeback Mountain' gay.  -Wanda Sykes

If you're sitting there watching TV in your undershirt worrying about terrorism, worrying about your family, and at the same time objecting to the person who's out there putting their life on the line so that your family will be protected, you're the worst kind of f**king a**hole there is. -Seth MacFarlane

On Flying While Fat:

No one wants to be wedged between a window and Kevin Smith!  -Bill Maher

On Twitter:

All these Twitter, tweetin' things, why don't we just go back to diaries?  -Wanda Sykes

On Teabaggers:

Only two percent of the people in a movement about taxes named after a tax revolt have the slightest idea what's going on with taxes.  -Bill Maher

The teabaggers, they're not a movement. They're a cult.  -Bill Maher