New Rule: Restaurants have to finish making the salad. [slide of salad with all ingredients neatly stacked separately] When I order a salad, don't bring me this. This isn't a salad. It's the ingredients for a salad! But, it doesn't become one until it's mixed together into something we call...a salad. Who do I have to pay around here to get someone to toss my salad?

New Rule: Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you must get pregnant. [slide of pregnant man] The "Pregnant Man" is pregnant for a third time. You know, if you have a beard and a mustache and you have a baby every ten months, you're not a pregnant man; you're an Italian woman.

New Rule: Catholics can't make fun of Mormons or snake handlers or any other religion until they admit Ash Wednesday is really creepy. On the other hand, it's nice when a Catholic priest smears something on your kid's face and it's just ash.

New Rule: Just because the Scottish eat it, it doesn't make it food. The Obama Administration has finally lifted the ban on imported haggis, a Scottish dish made from sheep heart, liver and lungs and simmered in the sheep's intestines. Mmm. But, we already have that here. It's called a hot dog. Plus, their version looks disgusting while ours is neatly pressed into the shape of a dog's hard-on. What I'm trying to say is, "Buy American!"

New Rule: [slide of billboard with George Bush and caption: "Miss Me Yet?"]...No. [laughter] No, the only person who ever missed you is the Iraqi guy who threw the shoe.

And finally, New Rule: Stop calling the Tea Party phenomenon a movement. To be a real political movement, you have to, well, move. Toward some specific legislative goal: the suffrage movement, for example, gained voting rights for women; the civil rights movement outlawed discrimination against blacks; and the gay rights movement...brought us the Winter Olympics.

But, the teabaggers, they're not a movement. They're a cult. And I'm going to prove it.

Now, during the break, I took my usual cross-country road trip with Nadia and the octuplets...and everywhere we stopped along the way - diners, truckstops, medical marijuana dispensaries - people wanted to talk about the teabaggers and know some basic things about them, like who's their dentist and why do they wear flannel in the summer?

But, if you look at any cult, whether it be the Hale-Bopp Comet people, the Scientologists or Oprah's Book Club...you'll find several common elements, the primary one being: cult members are taught to quickly withdraw into the group and distrust the outside world. Teabaggers distrust everything. They think everyone's coming for their guns and they shouldn't pay taxes. They're like Wesley Snipes crossed with a fat, old white guy who runs a landfill.

Folks, no one is coming for your guns, your Bibles or your fishing poles. And that's not a monster under your bed, it's the Ab Lounger you bought last year and never used.

Cults are also always driven by some ridiculous, unattainable goal, like a fiery apocalypse ringing in paradise, or deficit reduction by way of giant tax cuts.

Now, you know someone has fallen into a cult if you see these signs: one, cults have their own vocabulary. Now, I don't speak "s**tkicker," but I know that in their world, "freedom" means "guns," "diplomacy" means "weakness," "elitist" means "reader" and "socialist" means "black."

Two, cults tend to populate from within, encouraging members to have huge broods of children and to give them strange names like "Moonbeam" and "Trig." [slide of Palin family]

And, three, cult members always attribute all their problems to one simple explanation. [slide of Obama with Hitler mustache]

Now, here's an amazing statistic: in a recent poll, almost 90% of teabaggers said that they thought taxes had either gone up or stayed the same under Obama. Only two percent thought they went down. But, the reality is, taxes have gone down. For 95% of working families, taxes went down. Think about that. Only two percent of the people in a movement about taxes named after a tax revolt have the slightest idea what's going on with taxes.

So, it would be easy to just mock. Except that those who fall under the control of cults aren't necessarily weirdos. They're victims. And we shouldn't forget that these people are our relatives, our neighbors and the folks at the next table in the restaurant. Especially if that restaurant is Hooters and it's "Dollar Wing Wednesday."

The Obama Administration has finally lifted the ban on imported haggis, a Scottish dish made from sheep heart, liver and lungs and simmered in the sheep's intestines. Mmm. But, we already have that here. It's called a hot dog.