Episode 172

Premiered Oct. 16, 2009

New Rules

New Rule: People from Southern California have to learn how to drive in the rain. You can go faster than five miles an hour, people. It's water, not K-Y jelly.

New Rule: If you send more than one news van to cover "Dancing with the Stars," then you have to change your name from "Eyewitness News" to "Guess What You Guys?!"

New Rule: This is obviously not it. [slide of "This Is It" poster] This is just the beginning of the post-mortem songs, albums, films and merchandizing. Michael Jackson is dead and has never been more popular. Bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "underground music scene."

The world has never seen such blatant exploitation of a single tragic death. Okay, almost never. [slide of Pope holding crucifix]

New Rule: If Republicans want to get back into power, they have to stop naming their lobbying groups after maxi-pads. [slide of logos for "FreedomWorks," "Keep America Safe!" and "Freedom First"]

New Rule: Stop trying to scare me with your Mayan calendar doomsday theories. I'm supposed to be terrified by counting the days on the Mayan calendar? Why, is my Mayan girlfriend late for her Mayan period? If the Mayans could see the future, how come they couldn't get away from Cortez? Besides, we have much scarier things to worry about in 2012. [slide of Sarah Palin]

People from Southern California have to learn how to drive in the rain. You can go faster than five miles an hour, people. It's water, not K-Y jelly.

New Rule, and it's our last of the season: Let's admit that despite all the media hype, there is one thing that George Bush did not destroy when he left office: comedy. If anything, Republicans out of power are even funnier than Republicans in power.

Now, I'm taking a hiatus for a few months, some quiet time to try to reconcile with Kate and the kids. [slide of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" with Maher included]

But, before I go, I'd like to go back to the beginning of the year and remind everyone that when Barack Obama, an actual college professor, replaced George Bush, an actual chimp--commentators announced that comedians would be out of a job.

Well, they were wrong. Everyone is out of a job.

So, yes, Bush was a sweet target. But, it turns out there were plenty of ridiculous Republicans behind him that we just couldn't see. His stupid "star doth shone too brightly."

To wit, the year began with Obama's State of the Union speech, rebutted by teenage governor Bobby Jindal. Who was the great hope of the party. But, when Americans saw him that fateful night, their thought wasn't "A new leader for a new time," it was "Good God, Mad magazine has outsourced Alfred E. Newman."

Now, after Jindal flamed out, the Republicans still needed a fresh new face. So they got Dick Cheney. Who, for a while, popped up on TV more often than the GEICO lizard to demand he be given proper credit for torture. Not that I'm comparing Cheney to the GEICO lizard. One's a cold-blooded reptile and the other is the GEICO lizard.

Now, after Cheney came that exciting new group of Obama critics known as "the birthers." Or as they used to be called, "the Klan."

And after them came Governor Mark Sanford. All over Argentina. Yes, this is truly a bizarre year for Republicans. Their sex scandals were with women.

Well, soon it was tax time, and the "teabaggers" filled the streets, purple with rage that their taxes under Obama had STAYED EXACTLY THE SAME OR GONE DOWN!!!

Yes, the "teabaggers," who started a movement and in the process sullied the name of a perfectly good gay sex act--that's right, when the year started, "teabagging" was a phrase that referred to dangling one's testicles in someone else's face. And they managed to turn it into something gross and ridiculous.

This is also the year that conservatives taught us that there's only one kind of racism left in America, and that's reverse racism. It was inspiring to see white men finally stand up to the oppressive, rigged system that has forced them to live in a hopeless cycle of wealth and opportunity.

And, speaking of opportunity, have you heard this broad? [slide of Michele Bachmann] The floor of a cave called. It wants its bat shit back.

And, speaking of bat shit, to reiterate my theme, if Obama hadn't been elected, would we have ever seen Glenn Beck cry on TV? On a park bench while masturbating, sure, but not on TV. And was there any better TV than watching this weepy, wonderful special-needs cousin of Rush Limbaugh? Angry one moment, then frightened, scolding, sobbing. We loved him because we've all known someone just like him. Usually an ex-girlfriend.

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