New Rule: [slide of Jon of "Jon & Kate Plus 8"] Now that this douchebag has been dropped from his reality show, it must be renamed, "I Still Don't Give a Sh*t Plus 8."

New Rule: [slide of outlandish fashion outfit on model] Fashion experts have to tell us what a designer would have to put on one of his models before they realized he was f*cking with them.

New Rule: Froot Loops are not a health food. Some of the big food companies have started giving their products "Smart Choice" check marks so shoppers will know they're healthful. You know, like a creep in the park will carry a puppy so kids will know he's friendly. Healthful? Froot Loops? When I saw this, I threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

New Rule: Shut up, Grandpa! This week, ancient pop singer Andy Williams announced he thinks Obama is a Marxist who wants the country to fail. And then he made "Moon River" in his diapers. Actually, it's not so shocking Andy Williams says Obama is a communist. It's shocking Andy Williams is alive. He doesn't do shows. He has viewings.You know, like a funeral.

New Rule: Don't make your Goth daughters pose with the president. We know you meant well, Spanish Prime Minister Zapatero, but, clearly, your kids -- "Cruella" and "Demonica" --would rather be hanging out with someone they can relate to, like the cast of "Twilight." Or even better, "Lord Cheney," the dark priest of the Inquisition. [slide of Dick Cheney in Inquisition garb]

And finally, New Rule: Stop pretending climate change is a future problem. In the past few years, scientists as well as regular folks have been able to observe climate change by using a state-of-the-art instrument: our eyes.

Did you see the pictures a couple of weeks ago from Australia? [slide of massive Australian dust storm] This is what happens when an overheated fire produces a new kind of super-drought. And experts say Los Angeles, which just had the largest wildfire ever, could be next to get what happened to Australia. Do you want to live on Mars?

Fire season used to last four months out here. Now it's all year 'round, and that can't be good for tourism. Travelers like warm weather, not hell.

Now, here's a prediction: You know those old white people we've been seeing screaming, "Socialism" and "death panels"? Well, in a few weeks, they're going to be screaming, "Copenhagen!" in honor of the brand of chewing tobacco they like to spit at hippies.

Actually, Copenhagen is where Obama will be returning in December for a long-overdue, worldwide conclave about our melting planet. And while he's in Copenhagen, the president is going to be shadowed by Senator James Inhofe, Republican from "Hee Haw" who insists that global warming is a hoax, a plot by liberals to get Ed Begley an Oscar, and destroy the very core of our freedoms, the plastic bag industry.

Now, this man is the ranking Republican on the Environment Committee in Congress. He has no science background whatsoever, yet he's going to tell the hundreds of climate scientists assembled in Copenhagen -- you know, the people with the Ph.D.'s in the relevant fields -- that they don't know what they're talking about.

Education means nothing in America, because Mr. Inhofe is hardly alone. Three-quarters of the Republican Congress basically agrees with him, and they're even pivoting from their old excuse of "global warming needs more study" to "oh, shit, it's too late; well, what are you going to do; might as well keep burning coal."

Congressman Joe Barton says the answer to massive climate change is simply to adapt. Which is why he has a giant ark in his garage. These people are so stupid, they make me question evolution.

Adapt?! You know, sometimes when the forests are on fire out here, you can smell it all day. And you can see it. The air is soot. I don't want to adapt to that! I don't want to have to walk around in Michael Jackson's old surgical mask and have to explain why my eyes are red and bloodshot, any more than I already do.

President Obama and the Democrats in Congress need to learn a lesson from the healthcare debate and realize you can't change someone's mind if they don't have one.

So, just STOP LISTENING to these people. To paraphrase John Lennon, "Imagine there's no John Boehner; it's easy if you try."

And the rest of us need to get in this game, too. Because when the "teabaggers" find out that Obama is acting all Al Gore-like up there in Copenhagen, they're going to say that it's more of his socialist agenda, and that he's taking his marching orders from Sweden. Because they don't know that Copenhagen is in Denmark.

Did you see the pictures a couple of weeks ago from Australia? This is what happens when an overheated fire produces a new kind of super-drought. and experts say Los Angeles, which just had the largest wildfire ever, could be next to get what happened to Australia. do you want to live on Mars?