New Rule: Now that Muammar Gaddafi is back, he needs to go away again. Face it, Mo, when you're decades away from the international stage, you haven't become a revered elder statesman, you've become...Mel Brooks. [slides show Gaddafi and Mel Brooks (in "To Be or Not To Be")] Almost exactly a match.

Okay, New Rule: We can continue importing China's toxic toys and dog food, but no more of their cell phones. [slide of Chinese ad for cell phone depicting cartoon flip-phone with "erect" flip] That's a real ad. It's one thing to endure a phone that won't hold a charge or cuts out, but I draw the line at one that wants to f*ck me in the ear.

New Rule: Sports bars must be renamed "Fat Guys Yelling at the TV" bars. And they should be banned, because there's already a place for white losers to scream at a talented black man. [slide of Congressman Joe Wilson shouting at President Obama]

New Rule: I know you want to make your little girl's wedding day one she'll never forget but there are other ways. In a new tell-all, Mackenzie Phillips says that the night before her wedding, she got drunk and had sex with her father. Not exactly your dream wedding when your "something old" is dad's penis. You can read all about it Mackenzie's new book entitled Eeeuuwww.

New Rule: Stop putting food in soap. Only in America do we scrub the food off our face with more food! Introducing Dial Yogurt Vanilla Honey Body Wash! It's like washing your ass with breakfast. I just hope this trend doesn't spread to everything in the drugstore. [slide of "Summer's Eve Douche with Bacon"]

And finally, New Rule: If American can't get off its back and get something done, it must lose the bald eagle as our symbol and replace it with the YouTube video of the puppy that can't get up. [YouTube video of puppy that can't get up shown] It's delightful. As long as we're pathetic, we might as well act like it's cute.

And I'm sorry, but, you know what? We are pathetic, inert and lethargic, unable to end bad things like wars, farm subsidies, our oil addiction; 60,000 troops are still in Germany; the drug war, useless weapons programs. And unable to initiate anything good.

And even when we do address a problem, the plan is always half-assed. It can never start until years later. Like the climate change bill in Congress now. It mandates a whopping 17% cut in the greenhouse gases that are killing us, by 2020. Who's in charge of this program? FEMA?

No, really, fellows, don't rush. Only the whole western half of the United States has been on fire for a month. I know, let's get to Mexicans using the hospital first.

We might pass new mileage standards, but even if we do, they wouldn't start until 2016. In that year, our cars of the future will glide along while achieving a breathtaking 35 miles per gallon. My goodness, is that even humanly possible? You socialist dreamer you!

"What do we want?!" "A small improvement!" "When do we want it?!" "2016!"

Come on! You know, when it's something for us personally, like a laxative, it has to start working NOW! My TV remote has a button on it now called "On Demand." "You get your ass on my TV screen right now SpongeBob and make me laugh! NOW!"

But, with the big important things, we're that puppy. The president has said about healthcare, "If we were starting from scratch, then a single-payer system would probably make sense." So let's start from scratch.

Instead we have a crappy, lobbyist-written "bl*wjob to corporate America" bill, and even if that passes, it doesn't kick in until 2013! During which time, close to 200,000 people will die because they're not covered and 3,000,000 will go bankrupt from hospital bills.

You know, I have a pretty good idea of the Republican plan for the next three years: don't let Obama do anything. What kills me is, apparently that's the Democrats' plan, too.

You know, we weren't always like this. In 1965, Johnson signed Medicare into law. Eleven months later, seniors were receiving benefits. In World War II, FDR converted car companies to making tanks and planes virtually overnight. In one eight-year period, America went from JFK's ridiculous dream of landing a man on the moon...to landing a man on the moon.

This generation has had eight years just to build something at Ground Zero: an office building, a museum, a Pinkberry, I don't care anymore!

America: Home of the Freedom Pit. Which, ironically, is spitting distance from Wall Street, where they knock down buildings a different way: through foreclosure. And that's the ultimate sign of our lethargy. Millions thrown out of their homes, tossed out of work, lost their life savings, and they just take it.

Thirty percent interest on credit cards? Are you kidding me? It's a good thing for the banks the Supreme Court legalized sodomy.

You know, I still like the president. I can't help but like the president. He's my favorite TV character. And I root for him like I root for Jon Cryer to get laid.

But, what happened to change? And when did the fierce urgency of "Now" become, "Your call is important to us, please continue to hold"?

New Rule: Stop putting food in soap. Only in America do we scrub the food off our face with more food!