New Rule: Either bury Michael Jackson's body or send it out on that concert tour. Earlier this week, Joe Jackson said Michael would be buried at the end of the month, and now that's been postponed. I don't know what's creepier: the fact that he's going to spend eternity as a zombie, or that he saw it coming. [slide of Michael Jackson as zombie in "Thriller" video] Too soon for Michael. I know.

New Rule: It's time to admit that having a government bureaucrat come between you and your doctor might actually be a good thing. [slide of Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's doctor] I don't know all the details of the public option, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't pay for a doctor to move into my house and put me into a coma every night. Hey, teabaggers, if you want to draw a Hitler mustache on a black man, start with this guy. That's Dr. Conrad Murray -- I guess we didn't explain that.

New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You're lucky it doesn't have gravy on it. Besides, if it weren't for the coke, a dollar wouldn't have any value at all! [to Leno] Don't say "blowjob."

New Rule: When you make the runners pee in a cup to check for drugs, you must also check to see if they're peeing standing up. A South African runner has been ordered to undergo a test to determine if she's really a woman. Which is fine, but if we're really interested in testing which track star is what gender, shouldn't we start with Bruce Jenner? [slide of Jenner]

New Rule: Email programs have to remove that "Reply All" button farther away from the "Reply" button. It's too dangerous. It's the computer equivalent of the v*gina being so close to the sphincter. Just because God made a horrible mistake doesn't mean Microsoft has to.

And finally, New Rule: If, in your eyes, America can do no wrong, you should look into Lasik surgery. You know, there's the rational, mature assessment of our country, that it's a great nation, especially if you like fried foods. But it also has its faults. And then there's the modern-day Republican view: that America is infallible and pure in every way, and the founders made a mistake when they wrote the phrase, "In order to form a more perfect union." "Hello! It's already perfect!" "Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"

Now, one of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that he's always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush, who was one of America's biggest mistakes.

In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the right wing is always making up out of thin air: the president must never apologize on foreign soil, lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes.

But, what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Well, cover your children's ears. When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did the same way the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism. Yes, "President John F. Kenya" actually said that people in other countries might like their countries better.

Well, I was so shocked, I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.

Sarah Palin, in her farewell speech kept telling us how she's wired. You know, I'm not a doctor--or an electrician--but, I suspect this is faulty wiring, this world view that, in her words, we should never apologize for our country. Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps? Or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo Bay? The Indians?! Nothin', Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," maybe?

I mean, shouldn't John McCain apologize for⬦you?

Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case for American Greatness. You can find it at Borders in the "Suck Up" section. It's such a perfect title for today's conservative, combining paranoia with arrogance. "No one has yet asked me to apologize, but if someone ever does, f*ck them."

You see, conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal p*ssies do when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When, in fact, it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize.

You know, in Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, I'm sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And, believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology.

And here's a little tidbit for the healthcare debate. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.

Apologies can do great things and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex.

New Rule: Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. this is America. you're lucky it doesn't have gravy on it. besides, if it weren't for the coke, a dollar wouldn't have any value at all!