New Rule: [slide of Billy Mays selling Oxy Clean] Stop acting shocked that a guy who made his living selling chemicals died of a drug overdose. He sold a white powder that solves all your problems really, really fast. The only difference between cocaine and Oxy Clean is, cocaine works.

New Rule: Somebody who went to Woodstock has to admit that it sucked. Wow, you got to see Country Joe and the Fish, Sha Na Na and Arlo Guthrie in one weekend? And you caught E. coli from having sex in the mud? I am so jealous.

Let's look at the legacy at Woodstock. Tim Hardin, heroin overdose. Janis Joplin, heroin overdose. Jimi Hendrix, choked on his own vomit. I can only think of one place I'd rather be less than Woodstock: Woodstock '99.

New Rule: If you're stuck on a plane that's not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby. [Maher: Woodstock, that was too much for them, but punch a baby, that's fine. You'll have to explain that to me after the show, General.]

New Rule: Miley Cyrus can do the Christian virgin thing or the slutty pole-dancer thing, but she can't do both. Just because the pole you're working is at the Teen Choice Awards, doesn't mean you're not working the pole. Besides, haven't we learned the hard way that what happens when you allow hillbillies near the poles? [slide of Sarah Palin]

New Rule: Don't wait so long to give people their Medal of Freedom. If Glenn Beck sees these pictures, he'll say, "Oh, my God, Obama's death panel is really true!" "And he's killing Injuns, too!"

And finally, New Rule: President Obama must give up that awful habit that sets such a bad example for young people. I'm talking, of course, about golf. Now, since he became president, Barack Obama has taken up golf with a passion, and I feel betrayed. He campaigned as a basketball player! Not golf, basketball.

That's right. That said to us, "I'm urban and athletic and hip, and a team player." Golf says, "I like loud pants and white collar crime." And golf is not the only thing that's changed since Obama moved into the White House. What's with all the purposefully eating a lot of hamburgers in public lately? And on "Nightline" this month, Obama said that unlike before he became president, now he prays all the time, and that his faith director sends him scripture on his Blackberry to start every day. Jesus, is there something about that house that turns people into assholes?!

Oh, I kid the Commander in Chief. He is not an asshole. He is cool and elite, and I want to keep him that way! But, you know, Democrats have this bad habit of letting Republicans scare them into acting more "regular-guy" than they really are. And then they look ridiculous. Like Hillary drinking shooters. Like Dukakis in the tank.

So, I'm putting you on notice, Barack Obama. You're from Chicago. If I see you doing this [slide of John Kerry hunting with shotgun] I'm taking my hope elsewhere.

Seriously, golf is a slippery slope. You know what I mean. First comes the golf attire, then the golf stories. And pretty soon, you're telling black jokes.

And what's worse is that you know Obama doesn't really want to be golfing. He's just doing it because he thinks it will relax the white people. "How could I be a socialist? I'm putting!"

Well, I've got news for you. The people who think you want to kill their great aunt Millie aren't going to be swayed by a photo-op on the golf course. They see those pictures, they're not thinking, oh, he's just like Tiger Woods. They're thinking, here comes the Angel of Death, and he's got a nine iron.

But, you know, there is also a more serious side to this. Because golf, hamburgers and religion have something else in common: they're all incredibly bad for the environment. True. The world is facing severe water shortages in the coming years, but one golf course in Palm Springs consumes as much water in a day as an American family does in four years. And all on grass that doesn't even get you high.

And when it comes to 'bad for the environment,' nothing compares with the business of raising animals for food, which causes about 40% more global warming than all the cars and planes combined. If you care about the planet, it's actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.

So, folks, if we're at the point with the environment that the military is saying they're going to have to start dealing with it, maybe the president should set a better example. I'm certainly not suggesting that we take away your golf or your hamburgers, paranoids. But, when it comes to being a role model on the environment, this president is out to lunch with Joe Biden eating grease-burgers. Which is a shame, because he has demonstrated an enormous power to lead by example.

Be who you are, Mister President, a basketball-playing, Jay-Z-listening, arugula- eating hipster. And the only sand trap I want to see you getting out of is Afghanistan.

If you're stuck on a plane that's not moving for more than five hours, you get to punch a baby.