New Rule: Stop telling me the book is always better than the movie. It's not always true. For instance, I read Glenn Beck's book. [slide of Beck's book] And it wasn't nearly as good as the movie. [slide of poster for "I Am Sam"]

New Rule: John Bolton's hair and mustache must meet for a beer. John Bolton criticized Bill Clinton's sit-down with Kim Jong Il, but, come on, he can't even get his hair and his whiskers to agree. Bolton's mustache symbolizes the Republican Party: a small, white minority clinging to a single mouthpiece. [slide of Rush Limbaugh]

New Rule; [slide of Clinton with Kim Jong Il] If you're going to be the poster-child for defying American power, every once in a while, you have to buy a new poster. [slide of poster of Kim Jong Il with Madeleine Albright]

New Rule: Stop trying to make Radio Shack cool. Radio Shack, the shopping destination for people too socially awkward for Best Buy is changing its name to The Shack. Yeah, maybe it'll be like Abercrombie and Fitch and have a shirtless guy standing in the doorway holding a surge protector. Admit it, Radio Shack, you're not even a store; you're just where immigrants go to learn English before getting a real job at 7-Eleven.

New Rule: Don't hit on women at your wife's funeral, especially if you're their dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O'Neal accidentally tried to pick up his daughter, Tatum, at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. Giving a whole new meaning to the line, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" You know, when you see family at a funeral, think "bury the hatchet," not "hide the salami."

And finally, New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. Now, a couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin, and I said, "I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country." Well, the station was flooded with emails and the Twits hit the fan. And you could tell these people were really mad because they wrote entirely in capital letters!

Worst of all, Bill O'Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a "pinhead." Which, a) proves my point and b) is really funny coming from a "doody-face" like him!

Now, before I go about demonstrating how sadly easy it is to prove the dumbness that is dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life and death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq war, 70% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Six years later, 34% still do.

Or, look at the healthcare debate going on now. At a recent town hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare." Which is kind of like driving cross-country to protest highways.

This country is like a college chick after two Long Island ice teas. We can be talked into anything. Like wars. And we can be talked out of anything. Like healthcare.

We should forget the town halls and replace them with study halls.

Listen to some of these statistics. A majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. Twenty-four percent could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in Roe v. Wade; two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does.

Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, the way the "Slumdog" kid knew about cricket?

But, not here. Nearly half of Americans don't know that states have two senators. And more than half can't name their congressman. And, among Republican governors, only three got their wife's name right on the first try.

People b*tch and moan about taxes and spending. They have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes 24% of our federal budget. It's actually less than one percent. A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen. And a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks. Which is an ABSURD sentence, because it contains the words "Bush" and "knowledge."

Sleep tight, bat-shit. Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America, even though a Gallup Poll says 18% of us think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they're not stupid; they're "interplanetary mavericks."

And I haven't even brought up religion. But, here's one fun fact I'll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right. Half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament, and cannot figure out which one came first.

I rest my case.