New Rule: [slide of Michelle Obama glaring at French woman] Barack Obama must tell us where he spent the night before this picture.

New Rule: [slide of James Von Brunn] You can't be called a neo-Nazi if you're actually older than the Nazi-Nazis. This is 88-year-old accused Holocaust Museum shooter James Von Braun who's so old when he screams "Sieg Heil," he farts by mistake. Besides the museum, Von Brunn also wanted to hit the Capitol, the White House and Fox News. I know it sounds crazy, a guy so far to the right that he wants to barge into the Fox News studio to teach them a lesson. But that's how Glenn Beck got hired.

New Rule: [slides of Phil Specter in various wigs] Comedians have to admit when they're wrong. You know all those jokes about Phil Specter's hair couldn't possibly be worse than the wigs? We were wrong. [slides of Specter, sans wigs, in mug shots]

And, in a related story, New Rule: Anyone who still wonders why Chastity Bono doesn't want to be a woman must spend an hour locked in a room with this picture. [slide of Cher in suggestive, black show outfit]

New Rule: If you can't subdue a 72-year-old without tasering her, you can't be a cop. A Texas policeman was ticketing a senior citizen for speeding when she usedquote"language I wouldn't expect a woman to use"so he tasered her. What? Did she call you a p*ssy? Because if you taser old ladies for swearing, you are a p*ssy.

Also, this is Texas, for God's sake! You don't taser people you don't like; you shoot people you don't like!

And finally, New Rule: Just because the press is willing to make a fuss about every aspect of your life doesn't mean you have to take them up on it. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day. You're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order."

Every time I turn on the TV, there's Obama! He's getting a puppy! He's eating a cheeseburger with Joe Biden! He's doing his retard hunk on Leno. He's taking Michelle to Broadway, and then to Paris. Oh, it's the best season of "The Bachelor" yet.

I get it. You love being on TV! I love my bong, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Christ, the other day, I caught myself saying to a friend, "Don't tell me if he's fixed the economy yet. I'm TiVo-ing it."

Now, remember during the campaign when John McCain attacked Obama for acting like a celebrity, and we all laughed at the grumpy old shell-shocked fool? Well, it turns out he was right. It's getting to where you can't turn on your TV without seeing Obama. Who does he think he is, Dick Cheney?

I was willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt until I saw him take Brian Williams on a tour of his house, like they do on "Cribs."

And at the end of Obama's bed, there was a teleprompter, and it said, "Who's your daddy?"

I mean, selling the personal part to stay popular, I'm all for it. But, hey, you got us already. We like you, we really like you! You're skinny and in a hurry and in love with a nice lady. But, so's Lindsay Lohan.

And, just like Lindsay, we see your name in the paper a lot, but we're kind of wondering when you're going to actually do something. Sorry, folks, but this president is not fighting for real health care reform. It's nibbling that leaves insurance companies still running the show.

And the banks, the banks that brought us to financial ruin and then got bailout money, are laughing at us about how easy it was to get back to business as usual.

And scientists keep saying that if we want to keep living, you know, on earth, it's kind of essential we reduce carbon dioxide by 40 percent in the next ten years. Obama's bill calls for 4 percent. This is not getting the job done, and this is not what I voted for.

And, this is why I don't want my president to be a TV star. Because TV stars are too worried about being popular, and too concerned with getting renewed. Oh, you can relax about that one, Mr. President. The Party is doing everything they possibly can to insure that you'll get re-elected. The Republican Party.

Speaking of whichspeaking of the Republicans, if you can't shove some real reform down their throats now, then when? Folks, Barack Obama needs to start putting it on the line in fights against the banks, the energy companies and the health care industry.

I never thought I'd say this, but actually, what he needs in his personality is a little George Bush. He needs to stop worrying about being loved and bring out that smug, insufferable swagger that says, "Suck on it, America."

George Bush had horrible ideastorture, deregulation, preemptive war, tax cuts for the richbut he pushed them through in their full measure, never mind the Congress or the Constitution, the Geneva Convention  Magna CartaHammurabi's Code. The point is, he didn't care if it made him unpopular with every human on the planet not named Cletus or Fred Barnes. Which it did.

And what we need to do is to marry the good ideas that Barack Obama has, with a little bit of the Bush attitude and certitude. I'd love it if Obama came out one day and said, "Jesus told me to fix health care."

In conclusion, Bush was bad, but he never cared if he was seen out in a restaurant having a burger with Dick Cheney. If he wanted a burger, he picked up the phone in the White House and said, "I'm the president, bring me a burger!" And they would say, "Sir, this is NORAD." "Would you please stop ordering burgers into the red phone?"

I'm glad Obama is president, but the "audacity of hope" part is over. Right now, I'm hoping for a little more audacity.