New Rule: [slide of Obama meeting Saudi leader] When you meet the first African American president in the history of the United States, you can't be dressed up in a hood and white robes. And another thing you shouldn't do with the first black president: give him bling. He's the leader of the free world, not Mr. T. Okay.

New Rule: [slide of Nancy Reagan and "tanned" Rep. John Boehner by Ronald Reagan statue] If you're standing in front of a bronze statue, and you're bronzer, you're using too much bronzer.

New Rule: [slide of dog walker holding plastic poop bag] Don't stop to chat until after you've thrown out the bag. There's only one person who gets to make awkward conversation with me while holding a bag of shit: my pot dealer. People do that with the thing.

New Rule: The Octomom reality show must be entitled, "I'm a Fetus, Get Me Out of Here!" It will feature eight midgets so desperate for fame that they'll actually live inside her and be expelled one at a time when Donald Trump says, "You're delivered!" Gary Coleman, start lubing up Mini-Me, and let's get ready to rumble.

New Rule: [slide of the Obamas] If you actually begrudge these people a night out to see a play, you're not a conservative, you're just a hater. And you're not mad about the play. You just can't stand the fact that these two probably went home later and did it. Did it! Did it!! Did it in the very same place Ronald Reagan used to sleep! On his desk.

Finally, New Rule: Sex always trumps religion. Barack Obama gave a great speech yesterday in Cairo, and he got away with telling both America and the Muslim world some harsh truths. But, what he couldn't say is that we're never going to have peace in the Middle East until Muslims, Christians and Jews get over their angry, sex-hating, desert gods and let themselves get laid without too many new rules.

Being deprived of sex for too long can turn a normal person into a monster who lives to put others in pain. At least that's what Jon and Kate told me this morning at Bible study.

Now, just days before Obama arrived in Cairo, a young Egyptian man from a prominent family was told he couldn't marry the woman he loved. So he cut off his penis. Which takes balls.

My question is, why bother to cut off your penis if your religion says you can't use it anyway? Imagine living in a country where the closest you'll ever get to third base is stoning a chick? I would not want to calculate the amount of backed-up Muslim sperm there is in the world. Talk about an Islamic bomb!

And it's not just Islam. Down in Miami, a popular Catholic priest named Father Cutie - a.k.a. "Father Cutie" - got caught cavorting on the beach with a woman, and his fellow priests were shocked: "A woman?"

But, when caught, did Father Cutie give up his girlfriend for Catholicism? No, he chose girlfriend and dumped the Catholics. After decades of ordering his entire life around the idea that there is one true church, he said, "F*ck it, that poontang was good--I'm an Episcopalian!" It's true, he became an Episcopalian.

And, did you know that the president of Paraguay used to be a bishop. But he stepped down because women kept showing up with his love babies. Which, if you're in politics down there, is actually a plus.

And in Milwaukee, the former archbishop there is Hugh Hefner's age, and, as it turns out, three times as gay. He has a new tell-all memoir entitled, The Penis Driven Life - not the real title - where he reveals that he knew he was gay from early on, and tried to drop little hints that he was⬦like becoming a priest.

It's tough to be a Catholic. They don't allow you to masturbate, and they don't allow you to have sex outside of marriage. To which I say, "Make up your mind!" It's okay.

Mel Gibson is another pious fellow who recently lost a battle with the little head. Mel is literally to the right of the pope. He built his own traditionalist, Latin-speaking Catholic Church in Malibu, and it was there last week in the church that he reportedly stood up and scolded his flock for casting judgmental eyes upon him. You know, as if being the most Catholic guy in the world, and then divorcing your wife for a young hottie is somehow hypocritical.

Mel loves Jesus a lot. But, come on. In the end, Jesus was no competition for Oksana. [slide of Oksana] You'd want to hit that, too. Come on. Oh, I kid Mel. And I'm sure this infidelity is not his fault. He was probably tricked into it by the Jews.

If you actually begrudge these people a night out to see a play, you're not a conservative, you're just a hater.