New Rule: The U.S. must make a deal with North Korea. You give up your nukes and we'll let your soldiers compete on "So You Think You Can Dance."

New Rule: Before the Supreme Court welcomes its first Hispanic justice, Clarence Thomas must admit he's a little disappointed that Obama didn't pick a lesbian.

New Rule: Honeynut Cheerios have to take the bee off the box. It reminds me that all the bees are dying, and if I wanted to start my day depressed, I'd watch "Fox and Friends." You know, we lost almost a third of America's bee population last winter. I can't take another morning thinking about a beautiful, striped animal going extinct. Which is why, tomorrow, I'm going to have Frosted Flakes.

New Rule: If you want me to take your stance on gay marriage seriously, don't dress up in flamboyant, over-the-top costumes. [slides of various outrageously dressed gay men] That goes for you, and you. And you. [slide of the Pope]

New Rule: [slide of pod-shaped futuristic car on display] At some point, you just have to say, "F*ck it. I'll walk."

And finally, New Rule: In the upcoming sequel to "Wall Street," "Wall Street 2: In Search of Curly's Gold Card," Gordon Gekko must say, "On second thought, greed isn't good." In fact, it's the common thread that runs through all of the problems this country faces, from financial meltdown, to health care, to climate change. Americans will do anything to each other for money.

Now, last week, we found out that American personnel in Iraq are being electrocuted in the shower because shoddy electrical work is cheaper. How can one American kill another American to save a little money on wire? Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry. We're the greatest people in the world. Politicians always tell us we are, and that's how you know it's a lie.

They say, "If only we had a government as good as the people." Unfortunately, we do.

Now, here in L.A., we've been having a little problem lately with hospitals dumping patients who don't have coverage on the street, on Skid Row. Who acts like this? Everybody doesn't act this way. This wouldn't happen in Sweden. Because they're just not as obsessed with money. I can't imagine Abba putting out a record called "Get Rich or Die Tryin'."

I mean, really, what is the health care system in America but insurance companies making money by f*cking people out of coverage, even if it kills them? Which it does. At least 20,000 a year.

And now Congress has taken the single-payer option off the table. Why? Because competition from the government might make corporations sad. We can't have that. Health care is the biggest industry we've got. We need sick people.

And the food companies are doing their part to help. Oh, yes, they put the time in the lab to find out just how much fat, sugar and salt to load into a Happy Meal to make it more like crack.

Do you know that even our baby foods are now up to one-third sugar? Only Americans could develop comfort food for somebody who is already eating off a t*t. I mean, what kind of people hook babies on sugar?

It's not a mystery why even one in five four-year-olds is obese. Four-year-olds! The elephant in the room is your kid.

Not only can't Johnny read, he can't see his d*ck.

If Al Qaeda slipped something into our food that did that to us⬦well, we would torture some Arabs and keep on eating.

Because we're not a good people. We mustn't be if prison population is any indication. We put more of our fellow citizens in prison than anywhere else in the world. Five times the rate of tolerant, benevolent China. Because jailing people, like people's health, also turned out to be, really, when you think about it, a for-profit industry. I don't know how we didn't see it all those years.

When is enough ever enough in this country? Credit card companies that charge 35% interest? Do you ever wonder why you don't hear about loan sharks anymore? It's because what they did, giving credit to unqualified people and charging them ridiculous rates, we made that legal. Like we made destroying the environment legal.

We do it all to each other, the killing and the keeping people sick and poor and in jail, and destroying their habitat. Because, a generation ago, Ronald Reagan and Gordon Gekko told us greed was good.

Humans have always been greedy, but they never convinced themselves it was good.

But, hey, I could talk all night about the over-the-top materialism of the American people⬦but, I've got to catch a plane to Vegas!

If you want me to take your stance on gay marriage seriously, don't dress up in flamboyant, over-the-top costumes.