New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. [slide of Obama throwing football in White House] You know, it's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House, until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush O.D.-d on a pretzel.

New Rule: Take the stupid "Coexist" bumper sticker off your car. Apropos. Oh, if only there were a place where Muslims, Christians and Jews could live together in peace. Actually, there is. It's called Los Angeles, and you're driving through it. Try putting that sticker on your rental car in Jordan and see how far you get before your Prius blows up.

New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. [slide of guy with many, many parrots] No offense, parrot guy, but it's just not going to happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy's interesting." They're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress."

New Rule: There are some things I shouldn't have to make a rule about. This week, a woman in Texas admitted she cheated with a guy so soon after having sex with her husband that she had twins by two different fathers. And all I can say is, "Damn, that John Edwards is good!"

New Rule: If the Republicans really want to approve a measure officially renaming the Democrats the "Nationalist Socialist Democrat Party," then the Democrats get to rename the Republicans the "Sweet Jesus, Are These People F*cking Serious?!" Party.

And, finally, New Rule: Stop believing you can solve your problems by electing a superhero. [slide of Schwarzenegger, Obama and Spider-Man] The skills superheroes bring to problem solving are different. For example, when Spider-Man catches someone robbing a bank, he punches their nuts through an armored car. Whereas, Obama writes them a check.

Here in California, we experimented with making an action hero our leader. He was going to build roads and schools, cut taxes and balance the budget. How? Simple, because he was a hulking man-monster who could bend lampposts and have sex with Kennedys and live to tell about it.

Now, here's what he looked like five years ago. And here's what he looks like now. [shot of Schwarzenegger as Terminator with half-destroyed face] Now, is it Arnold Schwarzenegger's fault that California now has a worse credit-rating than Louisiana, a state that's half underwater and half in the bag? Not really.

This is a man who came to America with nothing but a jar of protein powder and a nice pair of 36-D's and became the biggest star in Hollywood, despite never learning to speak English!

No one can govern this state because it's illegal to do it. We govern by ballot initiative. And we only write two kinds of those: spend money on things I like; and don't raise my taxes. We vote yes on gain, no on pain.

This is why America's founders wanted a representative democracy. Because they knew if you gave the average guy the chance, he'd vote for a fantasy world with no taxes, free beer and vagina trees.

And, you know, California used to be like the rest of America, following the instructions in the Constitution and everything. But, then we chucked that. And now our state is governed by special-interest people standing in front of the supermarket with clipboards, asking, "Would you sign this petition to make earthquakes illegal?" "They're really starting to bother me."

And Proposition 14-C, which mandates two weeks paid leave for hangovers and universal teeth whitening paid for by farts.

So, California, which - I have to tell you, everybody - is always a little ahead of the rest of America, will probably go bankrupt. It's sad that we'll be closing the schools, but you'll want to keep the kids at home anyway, since we're also closing the prisons and letting all the rapists out.

Truth is, even a real superhero couldn't get us out of the mess we're in now.

Superman can stop bullets and crush coal into diamonds between the cheeks of his ass but he can't help us. He works for a newspaper. He needs a job. He wants to leap tall buildings and then crash on your couch.

Batman can't help us. He can't get parts for his big, stupid American car.

And Wonder Woman can't help us because, well, we don't allow gays in uniform.