New Rule: Just because you're in the Senate and you have hair, it doesn't mean you all have to wear the same haircut. [slide of six congressmen] Look at these stiffs. It looks like a casting call for a movie about golf.

New Rule: [slide of three congresswomen] Just because you're a woman in the Senate and you have hair, it doesn't mean... oh, never mind.

New Rule: I don't need to take any more crap about the sanctity of marriage from a single woman with fake tits and a divorced guy. [slide of Miss California and Joe the Plumber] How about this? If straight people will stop telling gay men who to marry, gay men will stop telling straight women how to dress. [slide of garish fashions]

New Rule: If you're a cartoonist and have to put a button on Obama that says, "Obama," you have to get another job.

New Rule: The Supreme Court is a deliberative body, not a sausage party. We need a court that looks like America, not like a hundred-year reunion of the Whiffenpoofs. That's why Obama needs to find a non-lawyer, single parent with disabilities who is also a bi-curious black woman. [slide of Michael Jackson] Michael Jackson, your comeback starts now!

New Rule: The woman's vibrator industry has to get back to basics. What is this thing? [slide of unusual vibrator] Does it make you have an orgasm or water your plants? Do I use it to play X-Box? Do I speak into it? And why is everything named after rabbits? "Jack Rabbit," "Power Rabbit," "Rabbit Ears," "Wascally Rabbit," "Bunny Love," "Water Bunny," "Bunny Honey." I'd buy you one, but I'm afraid you'd get rabies.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: doesn't anyone just f**k anymore?

And finally, New Rule: Now that we've answered his call to wash our hands, President Obama must continue to tell us how to live. You know, it's sad that the leader of the free world had to call a press conference last week when America was faced with the Pan-Global-Omega-Death Plague to tell his nation of clueless nitwits that employees must wash hands before returning to work. Even sadder: experts tell us it actually made a big difference. Which augurs well for next month's National Wipe Your Ass Day.

Yes, it turns out we don't need a color-coded chart for terror alerts; we need the president to tell us not to eat the yellow snow. "Oh, no, don't panic, citizens, that's not an earthquake; you're sitting on the cat."

Now, you may think I'm blowing this out of proportion, but this plea from Obama -- you know, the "audacity of soap"--was the first specific thing a president has asked the American people to actually do, in decades, if you don't count "go shopping." And, hopefully, it will open the door to slightly weightier suggestions that we do need to hear.

So, please, Mr. President, don't be shy. Tell us to turn off lights when we leave a room. Tell us to not buy crap we don't need and can't afford. Tell us to lay off the Ring-Dings and McNuggets.

And, for God's sake, tell people to read a newspaper. Because having a public that actually knows something is our best defense against ever again electing a president who knows nothing.

The problem is, no matter what Obama suggests people do, the Republicans have become a party that treats every suggestion for the common good as a direct attack on their personal liberty. During the campaign, Obama suggested that an easy thing Americans could do to help with fuel efficiency was check the tire pressure on their car. Simple. Think of your tires like tits and keep them inflated.

But, that's asking Americans to DO something. "Inflate my tires? F**k you! Get me more oil!" "And don't even suggest you're going to screw with my ability to cheat on my taxes." Yes, this week, the president had the audacity to suggest that billion-dollar corporations with fake offices in the Bahamas at the higher rates of "not being allowed to steal anymore."

You've heard of "opposite marriage"? They're practicing "opposite patriotism." This last Earth Day, Rush Limbaugh celebrated by praising coal-fired power plants and the plastic bag, while Glenn Beck cheered a man on while he cut down trees. You know, not really an ideology here. Just being a d*ck.

You know, when the president suggests things that will help the greater good, that's not a slight against your fragile manhood. I know, I know, you're a rugged individualist. Except you're not. You're just a d*ck. And never called out on it.

Going back to Reagan, all of our leaders have told us, the people, that government is always the problem. Never YOU, my precious, perfect American citizen. You are always perfect just the way you are, like a precious, little snowflake.

A beautiful, precious, 350-pound, pig-ignorant snowflake.

New Rule: The woman's vibrator industry has to get back to basics. what is this thing?