New Rule: The Obama Administration must not do stupid things that remind us of something Bush would do. Whoever decided it would be a neat idea to have an airliner buzz New York City should be kissed on the mouth by a runny-nosed Mexican.

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. You know, besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch!

New Rule: [suggestive photo of Miley Cyrus holding microphone] Whoever took this photo of Miley Cyrus has to register as a sex offender.

New Rule: There's nothing wrong with putting Jesus on the Florida license plate. He's a 2,000-year-old Jew. Where else would he live? But, would it kill you to show him with a little tan?! Is he waiting to be resurrected or defrosted?

New Rule: Stop putting honey in those cute little bear containers. No, I'm just kidding, I don't give a shit. You can keep putting honey in the little bear containers. I mean, look at it. It's adorable. It's an adorable little bear filled with honey. You know what? New Rule: All honey must be put in those cute little bear containers. There, I said it. Screw you, cans and jars.

And finally, New Rule: Since viruses, like swine flu, get to be potentially deadly because they "evolved," if you don't believe in evolution and you get it, you have to pray it away.

You can't crap all over Darwin and stem cell research and global warming and then come crawling back to science when you want Tamiflu. That's for us sinners.

A recent Zogby phone poll found that 78% of Americans favor teaching evidence for and against Darwin's theory; 43% also believe the pollster asking the question was in fact a tiny man living inside the phone.

Now, last week I spoke about Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who mentioned secession as an option for dealing with Obama's big government. But, now with swine flu from Mexico coming at him, suddenly the idea of being all alone on the border isn't quite so romantic, is it?

Yes, Governor Perry hates two things: government and science. He appointed a creationist to head the Texas Board of Education. Which is shocking. Texas has a board of education?! And now he wants 37,000 courses of antiviral flu medicine. Sorry, Rick, we're all out. But, we do have 37,000 tea bags. Will that help?

You know, is it too much to ask for a little consistency? When I get sick, you don't see me begging Jimmy Swaggart to put in a word to Jesus about my gout. I go to the doctor like a normal person, and then I sell the left over pills to Rush Limbaugh.

Folks, there is a lot that isn't known yet about this swine flu, but there is one thing that we do know: the process that brought us the new flu is called evolution. It's not rocket science, but it is science. A virus is Darwinian behavior we can see in real time. We can see that it jumps on a host, procreates until the host is exhausted and then jumps on something new. Like Mel Gibson.

Or think of it this way: viruses are like the free market. You adapt to survive or you die. I mean, except for Citibank and AIG and Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, General Motors, Bear Stearns... Okay, bad example. They're nothing like the free market.

And, by the way, intelligence-challenged members of the mainstream media, creationism and Darwinism are not "opposing but equally legitimate theories" to be treated as such. This flu virus didn't make the leap from pigs to humans because God felt like f*cking with Mexicans. It happened because, like I said, viruses adapt to survive. Just like all other organisms on Planet Earth. With the possible exception of the Republican National Committee.

Since viruses, like swine flu, get to be potentially deadly because they "evolved," if you don't believe in evolution and you get it, you have to pray it away.