New Rule: Let's get rid of the part of the beauty pageant where the contestant has to talk. [slide of Miss California]

MAHER: "Honey, honey, it's such a beautiful moment, let's not ruin it." And while I respectfully disagree with her stand against gay marriage, that's what makes this country great. Only in America does a woman who looks like a transvestite have the right to bash gays. I think all beauty contestants look like transvestites. That's me, okay.

New Rule: Somali pirates have to stop being so darn cute. [slide of Somali pirate ringleader] This is the New York debut of the one surviving member of the apparent boy band that kidnapped that cargo ship. And the new face of evil looks like he's just hoping to see "The Lion King." Seriously, the only weaponry this kid looks capable of deploying is "Dy-no-mite!" [slide of Jimmie Walker]

New Rule: There's no such thing as "essential" Kenny Loggins. [slide of album, "Essential Kenny Loggins"]

New Rule: Kentucky Fried Chicken can kill their roadkill whatever they want. I'm still not eating out of a bucket. This week, for the fourth time, KFC is introducing grilled chicken. I'm sorry, but you're missing the whole reason my mouth is not watering. The problem isn't the word "fried," it's the word "Kentucky." [slide of obese "redneck"]

New Rule: If China is going to be the world's most dominant superpower, they must figure out a better way to package soy sauce. Seriously, you've had thousands of years to work on this, and this is the best you could come up with?! If I want to spend my night cleaning up after a thin, leaky bag of chemicals...I'll date Amy Winehouse.

And, finally, New Rule: You can't win any converts to your side when nobody knows what you're talking about. The conservative base these days is absolutely apoplectic because...well, nobody knows. But, the big issues for normal people are the economy, the war, the environment, mending fences with our allies and enemies, and the rule of law.

And here's the list of Republican obsessions since Obama took office: his birth certificate is fake; he uses a teleprompter too much; he bowed to a Saudi guy; Europeans like him; he gives inappropriate gifts; and his wife shamefully flaunts her upper arms. Oh, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and even accepted a book from him! Rubbing conservative noses in the fact that our new president can read!

It's sad what happened to the Republicans. They used to be a party of the big tent. Now, they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially-awkward group of white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

Groups currently more relevant than Republicans include the Eskimo Film Society, the American Ferret Breeders Club -- and the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.

And if you say, "Well, Bill, come on, this is just a fringe," no. No, the governor of Texas has dropped the word, "secession" as an option for how to deal with Obama. And this is before his first hundred days?! Where do you go in year two? Una-bombing? I'm not sure exactly what this new independent nation of "Jesus-stan" would look like -- but I'm pretty sure I'd have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I mean, really? Really, Texas? Secession? Well, don't let the 21st century hit you in the ass on the way out.

Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann recently said that Obama wants to build "re-education camps," a fact she apparently procured from a conservative think tank known as "her ass." "Re-education camps." Trust me, with money this tight, the last thing Obama wants is to have to run a camp and feed a bunch of fat, white people.

Look, I understand what you "real Americans" are going through. After eight years of controlling everything, this latest election and Obama's popularity have you feeling a little like a rejected husband. You're the bitter divorced guy who comes home one day, and all your things are out on the front lawn. Or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn.

But, you're not ready to let go. Despite the fact that the country you love has left you and is moving on. Which makes you want to call it a "whore" and key its car. You can't articulate your feelings. One minute you're blubbering about how much you love it, and the next, you're vowing that if you can't have it, nobody will.

But, it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And, I hate to tell you, it's a black guy.

You can't win any converts to your side when nobody knows what you're talking about. the conservative base these days is absolutely apoplectic because...well, nobody knows.