New Rule: If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, "Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!"

New Rule: You can't look at the "before" and "after" and tell me these two didn't do it on the plane. [slide of Obamas entering and exiting plane] He's got the smile of a guy who just had his package approved -- and she's wearing a different dress. And that's the difference between this administration and the last one. One screwed over the ocean, and the other screwed over the ocean.

New Rule: You can't be a fashion designer if you hate women. [slide of fashion model wearing brightly-colored "feather-duster-like" dress] You know, I don't pretend to know everything women want, but I'm pretty sure one thing they don't want is to dress like a gay Muppet. This outfit doesn't say couture; it says "car wash." The last time something like that was on a runway, it flew into Captain Sullenberger's engine.

New Rule: You know you have a drinking problem when your car is a barstool. Police in Ohio arrested a man after he crashed his motorized barstool. Although in his defense, the man said he was depressed because he just lost his job as CEO of General Motors.

New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades. I've received word from General Soros and our partners in the U.N. "Operation Streisand" is a 'go.' [suspenseful music plays]

Marcos Moulitsas, you and your DailyKos-controlled army of gay Mexican day laborers will join forces with Michael Moore's Prius-tank division. North of Branson where you will seize the guns of everyone who doesn't blame America first, forcing them into the FEMA concentration camps! That's where ACORN and I will re-educate them as atheists and declare victory in the war on Christmas!

And finally, New Rule: Human beings are such slobs, from now on, pigs must declare us the other white meat. Do you know that right now, there is so much discarded trash in outer space that three times last month, the International Space Station was almost hit by some useless hunk of floating metal? Not unlike the International Space Station itself.

So, really, you've got to give the human race credit. Only humans could visit an infinite void and leave it cluttered. Not only have we screwed up our own planet, somehow we have also managed to use up all the space in... space.

Now, history shows over and over again that if the citizens of earth put their minds to it, they can destroy anything. It doesn't matter how remote or pristine, together... "Yes, we can...f*** it up!"

I mean, the age of space exploration is only 50 years old, and we have already managed to turn the "final frontier" into the New Jersey Meadowlands.

You know what's up there? Old satellites, spent rocket boosters. Neil Armstrong's golf club. That canister with Gene Roddenberry's ashes. Empty Tang jars. Discarded astronaut diapers. It's over 100,000 items, my favorite being a NASA space glove, which, in 1965, was lost by astronaut Ed White. I can't tell you why he had his glove off... except to say that, in space, it can get very lonely.

Now, the reason this is so worrisome -- I mean, the debris itself, not the masturbating in space -- is something called the Kessler Syndrome, wherein the more debris there is flying around, the more collisions occur, which exponentially expands the amount of debris, making it impossible to keep satellites up there. So pretty soon, we lose the cell phone networks. And then we face a world where teenagers are forced to send each other pictures of their genitals by mail!

Of course, the other seemingly limitless expanse we've endangered lately is the ocean, which we are killing. Why? Because the Bible says God gave us dominion over the earth, which is taken to mean that God was saying, "This is your rental car. Taketh it and beateth the shit out of it!" "Who careth? It is a rental!"

Did you know that there is now floating in the Pacific Ocean a 3.5-million ton island of shit made up of all the indestructible crap we toss away, the stuff that will never break down, like Styrofoam and old Clorox bottles. And it's twice the size of Texas. That's right, the Pacific Ocean now contains more white trash than Texas!

Marine biologists call it the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch," and say it is so out of control that it can't be cleaned up, and it's going to be with us forever, just taking up space and killing wildlife. Like a giant Sarah Palin.

If nobody is clear on what you're protesting, it's not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. their basic message being, 'stop all your globalizing and unite the world!'