New Rule: You can't wear a wig unless your head looks better than the Styrofoam head the wig came on. [photo of Phil Spector]

New Rule: The memories of Wall Street traders have to include events beyond the last 24 hours. Talk about divas! "Financial crisis! We're doomed!" "Up 2000, f**k yeah, dude, let's get some hookers!" "Home Depot is down 3%, we're all gonna die!!" "Oh, Geithner's giving us money? I'm coming in my pants!" I'm beginning to think the only stable thing on Wall Street is Donald Trump's hair.

New Rule: There's always going to be someone with a sadder story than yours. Japanese authorities have found a man who was in Hiroshima on business on the day we dropped the bomb, and then returned home to Nagasaki where the second one fell three days later. Talk about "worst week ever." Amazingly, when asked what his biggest regret in life was, he said, "Buying all that stock in Citibank."

New Rule: Victoria's Secret must admit, at this point, we're pretty much done inventing the bra. After 4,000 years of human civilization, I think we've finally got a handle how to hold 'em up. How about we use all that research money on finding a cure for this? [slide of man's pants hanging halfway down below his underwear in back]

New Rule: You can't land a plane on a wing and a prayer. An Italian court this week gave jail time to a Tunisian pilot who paused to pray instead of following emergency procedures as his plane was crashing. Yes, when the plane started to go down, Captain Shafiq Gharbi's first response was to call on Allah and Mohammad, two names that aren't exactly associated with air safety.

Call me old fashioned, but when a plane is going down, you don't pray. You turn to the person next to you and say, "Want to go out with a bang?" and make love like never before. And if the plane miraculously recovers, you both straighten your ties and never speak of it again.

And finally, New Rule: Forget about bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than 50,000 troops in Germany, and 30,000 in Japan? At some point, these people are going to have to learn to rape themselves.

Our soldiers have been in Germany so long, they now wear shorts with black socks.

You know that crazy soldier hiding in the cave on Iwo Jima who doesn't know the war is over? That's us.

Now, Bush and Cheney used to love to keep Americans all sphinctered up on the notion that terrorists might follow us home. But, actually, we're the people who go to your home and then never leave. Here are the facts: The Republic of America has over 500,000 military personnel deployed on over 700 bases with troops in 150 countries. We're like McDonald's with tanks. Including 37 European countries! Because you never know when Portugal might invade Euro-Disney.

And this doesn't even count our secret torture prisons which are all over the place. But, you never really see them until someone brings you there. Kind of like IHOP.

And why? How did this country get stuck with an empire? Now, I'm not saying we're Rome. Rome had good infrastructure. But, we are an empire, and I think the reason is because once America lands in a country, there is no exit strategy. We're like cellulite, herpes and Irish relatives. We are not going anywhere! "We love you long time!"

Of course, Americans would never stand for this in reverse. Americans go crazy when a Wal-Mart moves into town. They can barely stand letting Mexicans in to do the landscaping. Can you imagine if there were 20,000 armed Guatemalans on a base in San Bernardino right now? Lou Dobbs would become a suicide bomber!

Bill O'Reilly would spill his "motherf**king ice tea." Glenn Beck would have to send out for more bat shit!

But, maybe this is our chance. Maybe money is so tight right now we can actually justify bringing the troops home. Because, truth be told, our empire kind of sucks anyway. Because we don't get anything back from it. If we're going to have an empire, I want to see spices and man-eating plants and parades of elephants. I want to see someone present the Mongol chief "Ytek" and his twelve concubines.

Or a Nubian, so the Republicans can touch one and learn its culture.

The memories of wall street traders have to include events beyond the last 24 hours. talk about divas! "financial crisis! we're doomed!" "up 2000, f**k yeah, dude, let's get some hookers!"