New Rule: Waiters must stop saying, "Did you save room for dessert?" This is America. We don't save room for dessert. We MAKE room for dessert. Dessert isn't a delightful way to cap off a meal. It's a challenge.

In Russia, they swim in sub-zero temperatures; in Spain, they run with the bulls; here, we eat forty pounds of goo from a place called the Cheesecake Factory.

New Rule: If we really want to find out what made Bernie Madoff did with all that money, we must turn him over to Dick Cheney. After all, one outrageous pyramid scheme deserves another. [slide of nude Abu Ghraib prisoner pyramid]

New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Committee giving me the "Bigoted Bile Award" and naming "Religulous" the number-one most unbearable movie of 2008. Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!

New Rule: The model/clerks working the door at Abercrombie must stop showing me where their pubes should be. Abercrombie and Fitch has shirtless models greeting people at their stores in the mall, which is all fun and games until Wal-Mart follows suit. [slide of shirtless, overweight Wal-Mart greeter]

And finally, New Rule: If you go to a cattle call audition for "America's Next Top Model" and get caught in a herd-like stampede, the title you really deserve is "America's Next Top Sirloin." Now, if you missed what happened when Tyra Banks sent out the "Bat Signal" last Saturday -- and asked women to come and try out for her show, here's a few seconds of it. [video clip shown of street mob rushing the building]

Work it, girls! Riots are fierce! You know, the big difference between this and an actual cattle call is that cows are better organized. And slimmer. People, please, I'm trying to help!

Look, instead of almost getting trampled to death trying to figure out if you're a top model, just ask yourself some basic questions: Are you six feet tall? Are you equal parts Brazilian, Ukrainian and Eskimo? Is Tom Brady f**king you? No? Then you're not a top model. You're just a hot chick with your thong sticking out.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that being a model isn't a job that random doofuses off the street can apply for, like working at the Gap, or being head of the Republican National Committee.

Real models don't wait on lines. They snort them. A real model doesn't audition. She's chosen. One minute, you're a normal 14-year-old girl sucking down a chili dog outside a Tastee Freeze; and then a talent scout hands you his card, and then sleeps with you and never calls again. There, you're a model.

Which brings me to AIG. Not really, but there is a connection, which is, when did Americans become the something-for-nothings? When did we get this Lotto mentality that our only chance for success was to be plucked from obscurity and dropped onto Bret Michaels' Love Bus?

Or maybe it was when the super-wealthy - you know, the ones who create jobs when they get huge tax breaks - except they don't; they buy antique commodes and lap dances - maybe it was when those "job creators" stopped trickling the money down, leaving the working class with none of the gains and all of the cynicism that goes with thinking the game is fixed.

Maybe that's what leads to "Guitar Hero" culture, where everyone wants to be a rock star, but nobody wants to learn the chords.

You know, Paris and Nicole and Kim are nice girls. But, let's not forget, they do and have done nothing. Not even acted in anything they'd admit to. But, they're not reviled or dismissed for being ciphers. They're adored for it. Because they exemplify the national ideal: they got a lot for doing nothing.

The AIG guys wanted a lot for not just doing nothing, but for failing - no matter that they are the very people who schemed their company into the ground - they want their bonuses. And Myrna from Long Island wants to be a "Top Model"! F**k reality!!

Well here's a reality check. America's actual top model for the last four years has been the Toyota Camry.

Waiters must stop saying, "Did you save room for dessert?" This is America. We don't save room for dessert. We make room for dessert.