New Rule: To save taxpayer money, someone must fire those courtroom sketch artists and just take a damn picture. It's 2009, everything in our pocket has a camera on it now, including the lint! And if you really want to draw the people who laid America low, bring your sketch pad to Wall Street.

New Rule: Not every single fruit needs to be a vodka flavor. This isn't a drink. It's a delivery system for date-rape drugs. The down side, a hideous hangover. The upside, you puke a smoothie. Haven't we seen enough proof that fruits and alcohol don't mix? [slide of Andy Dick]

New Rule: If you're complaining that Michelle Obama is showing too much arm, you have to move to the tribal region of Pakistan. You know, where religious fanatics live. How come there wasn't this much media scrutiny when George Bush was obsessed with Saddam Hussein's arms?

New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I'm trying to sleep and you're a giant churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backwards, it's at one mile an hour. While making the sound of Fran Drescher with her hand caught in a blender. If there's anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions⬦well, you won't just be letting me sleep, you'll be improving the species.

New Rule: If President Obama really wants to be transparent and level with the American people, he must replace Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner with an actual deer caught in the headlights. Interesting what makes them clap versus boo. It's like Geithner could learn a thing or two about economic stimulus from the deer. For example, if you want to make a couple of bucks, you need a little dough up front."

And finally, New Rule: You can't be the future of the Republican Party if your past involves performing exorcisms. You know, there are a lot of things that are a little fishy about Bobby Jindal. He talks to America like we're retarded. He doesn't believe in evolution, and he ripped Indiana Jones' heart out in the "Temple of Doom."

But, what most people don't know about Bobby Jindal is he brags about the time in college when he and his prayer group performed an actual Linda Blair-style, crucifix-waving, demons-be-gone exorcism on a girl. Now, I need to emphasize something: I am not making this up.

In 1994, Bobby Jindal wrote an article for the New Oxford Review which began, like most letters to Penthous - with a coed named Susan - not her real name - inviting Bobby up to her room. Well, soon, the whole place smelled like sulfur, and that wasn't from cooking shrimp curry on a hotplate.

Later, at Bobby's prayer group, Susan began spewing profanities and attacking the Bible's authenticity. You know, my act. She was being an unholy terror, denouncing people in the room and publicly airing confidential information. And this was years before Facebook.

So, the group, seeing this woman in such distress, decided to do the only logical thing: pin her to the floor and hold a Bible to her face.

Bobby writes, "Mixed in with her vile attacks were short and desperate pleas for help." Yes, because you were pinning her down and holding her hostage! And that's the great thing about religion. It makes everything okay.

Imagine if Bobby and six friends had just held some girl against her will for hours and slapped her around because they loved to party? He wouldn't be governor today. He'd be trying to drive something out of his body: a cellmate.

You know, my college girlfriend once transformed into a fire-breathing succubus, but that's because I was on acid!

But, hey, I ain't mad at Bobby Jindal. I'm mad at the mainstream media for being too chicken shit to talk about this. Is it not relevant that the rising star of the Republican Party witnessed a woman having a seizure and chose to dial 666 instead of 911?

He says he fought Satan and kicked his ass back to hell. If he'd written that he'd been a werewolf hunter or wrestled a leprechaun for a pot of gold, would you have covered that? By the way, the evil spirit did eventually leave Susan. It turned out to be one of those 24-hour demonic possessions that had been going around campus.

And, Satan? He left campus that night and moved to New York, where he invented Fox News and the Bluetooth headset.

If you want a couple of bucks, you need a little dough up front.