Episode 142

Premiered February 20, 2009

New Rules

New Rule: Now that banks have taken hundreds of billions in taxpayer dollars, they must open another window. And, not to be rude, last month, you were Washington Mutual, and now you're claiming to be J.P. Morgan Chase? Before I give you any more money, you're going to need to show me two forms of I.D.

New Rule: She gained weight. She lost weight. She's playing a retard with an accent in a Holocaust movie. She's taking her clothes off in harsh light, crying, wearing old lady makeup. For the love of God, can we give Kate Winslet her Oscar so we can get on with our lives?!

New Rule: We all have to tighten our belts. And, to start, John Boehner has to cut back on the bronzer. John Boehner is from Cincinnati. He works in Washington, D.C. It's February. Why the hell is he this color?! Are you playing the part of the loyal opposition, or Othello?

New Rule: Calm the hell down! [video shown of Asian woman throwing tantrum in airport] You just missed your flight. It's not the rape of Nanking! A comfortable airplane is going to take you across the Pacific in seven hours. It took Magellan a year, and he didn't freak out this much when cannibals ate his crew! So, you've got some time at the airport. Do what all the other Asian ladies do: ride the escalator ahead of me, and when you get to the bottom with your roller-bag, just stand there.

We all have to tighten our belts. and, to start, John Boehner has to cut back on the bronzer. John Boehner is from Cincinnati. he works in Washington, D.C. it's February. Why the hell is he this color?! Are you playing the part of the loyal opposition, or Othello?

And, finally, New Rule: Stop pretending that other governments have nothing to teach us. From those socialists in Sweden, we can learn how to fix a banking crisis. And from our friends in China, we can learn how to punish the jerks who caused it.

You know, the ones who took bailout money and bought private jets made out of rubies and veal. This is Dick Fuld of Lehman Brothers. [slide of Fuld] What a "dick" Fuld. He personally made $500 million in sub-prime mortgages, and he gets to keep it while you and I pay off his bad bets. [slide of Madoff] This is Bernie Madoff. Bernie stole $50 billion, mostly from other Jews. For Jews, this was the worst pyramid scheme since the actual pyramids.

Which brings me back to China. Now, a couple months ago, some greedy businessmen in China were caught spiking the milk they sold to children with melamine, a plastic-derivative which boosted the protein levels and, thus, their profits. Well, you know what the Chinese are doing to the businessmen behind their milk scandal? They're putting them to death.

Talk about lactose intolerant.

Now, am I saying we should treat the bankers who poisoned our financial markets with tainted investments the way China treated its poisoners? Please, we're not China. We're just owned by China. So, no, I don't think we should put all the bankers to death.

Just two. I mean, maybe it's not technically legal, but, let's look at the upside. If we killed two random, rich, greedy pigs. I mean, killed. Like, blew them up at halftime at next year's Super Bowl. Or left them hanging on the big board at the New York Stock Exchange. You know, as a warning, with their balls in their mouth. I think it would really make everyone else sit up and take notice.

This crisis is rooted in greed. And if two deaths shocked a society of 300 million into acting decently enough to avoid this in the future, well, they'd die as heroes. And, you know, it's not like collateral damage isn't built into our assessment of things.

Cars kill almost 50,000 people a year, but we accept that as a fair price for being able to get around without riding on top of an animal.

So, two dead bankers really starts to look like a bargain. And isn't that what they love? Bargains?

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