I was sitting in my apartment, looking at my naked body in a mirror and contemplating suicide. My manager called and informed me that I need to update my bio. I have always detested bios written in the 'third person.' Every performer either writes or approves his or her bio. Third person makes it seem like a bunch of people got together to discuss the performer's wonderfulness and just had to write it down for the world to see.

I also loathe the wording in a lot of bios. I did not "burst on to the scene," nor do I leave crowds "rolling in the aisles" "on the edge of their seats" or "gasping for air." Some nights I am a real hoot, other nights the crowd wants to gut me with a fishing knife. The juxtaposition of my funny faces and amusing anecdotes is generally considered a real crowd pleaser (my nickname among my peers is, 'That silly goose').

Being pegged as an 'angry comic' truly makes me want to vomit. To me the only labels in comedy that matter are 'funny,' 'original' and 'hack.' By original I don't mean so weird that Andy Kaufman wouldn't get it and by hack I mean the next comic who writes a girl fart joke should have his writing hand smashed with a mallet. There is no subject I won't make fun of (with the exception, of course, of girl farts).

I am 5'7, 160 lbs with brown hair, brown eyes and a shaved pubic region. I tend to shy away from exercise due to the embarrassing experience I had projectile shitting while attempting a sit up in junior high. Judi Brown of the Aspen Comedy Festival said, "He's so brutally honest. He's very refreshing in a business where a lot of people are phony." That is probably the nicest compliment I have received as a performer.