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Dear Susie,
I am about to become engaged to a wonderful woman. We are both previously married and now divorced. She wants an engagement ring with a diamond bigger than the one I gave my first wife. However, once we get married, we are going to want to buy a house and furnish it and I am afraid that money is going to be tight. I was trying to be practical so I suggested that we use the diamond that her first husband gave her (which is huge) and just have it re-set. Now she is furious with me. Do you think I'm being too cheap.
Signed,
Just Being Practical - Washington, DC
Just Being Practical,
- Or just being stupid and insensitive would be more accurate! What the hell is the matter with you? Use the ex husbands diamond? Are you crazy? I've never heard of such an insulting thing in my whole life. Even Jeff would be smarter than that. She's right to want a diamond bigger than the one you gave your ex to prove your love and devotion to her. How else will she know that you love her more than the ex? If you had a brain in your head then you would have suggested selling her ex's diamond to pay for your new house. Of course she should say no to that as well because I'm sure she earned that one fair and square but at least you would have looked like less of an insensitive lout. I don't care if you have to beg, borrow or steal but the only way for you to keep your relationship in tact is to now go out and get her an even bigger diamond than she wanted in the first place. You put your foot in your big mouth, now put your hand in your thin wallet. If you don't, she has every right to call off the engagement. As a matter of fact, I would encourage it.
Susie
Dear Susie,
My boyfriend wants to move in with me but he hates my 2 dogs. He'll walk the Rotweiler but never the poodle as he says he is too embarrassed to be seen with her. Should I kick him out? I don't want him to traumatize my poodle. What should I do?
Signed,
Dogger - London, EN
Dogger,
Get rid of the guy. I have a theory that you can tell what a man is like in bed by what kind of dog he likes. For example, if he likes terriers then chances are he's a premature ejaculator. If he likes Labs, then he's good for a make out but has follow through problems. These are facts. I've done the research. Most men with Rotweiler's are closet cases and overcompensating. The fact that he doesn't like your Poodle is a very bad sign indeed. If you can find a hetero guy with a Yorkie or a Shih Tzu or a Pomeranian then that guy is a keeper. If he's secure enough in his sexuality to be seen with a froo froo little dog like that, then there's a man who is good in the sack!
Susie
Dear Susie,
I work with a guy who is long winded and no one can have a conversation with a co-worker without him butting in with, "Well that's just it...." and he repeats what the person had stated succinctly and then adds his own thoughts. I tend to walk away from a conversation when he comes around because I am sick of the inevitable. Should I stick with this or should I call him out on the matter.
Signed,
Dealing with the elaborator - Winnipeg, MB
Dealing with the elaborator,
Your instincts to walk away are correct and you should get everyone in the office to do the same. These insufferable blowhards never hear themselves and are way too full of their own self-importance to stop for a moment and look within. Calling him out on the matter will be futile. He won't even get the hint if everyone walks away. He'll find some excuse to protect his own ego and make himself the victim. There is no greater sin than to be aggressively boring. If he ends up with no one to talk to, tough shit. You reap what you sow.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I work in very close quarters with my boss, who frequently rides her bike to work. Suffice it to say that my coworkers and I are 'this close' to wearing haz-mat gear to work just to protect ourselves from her insidious body odor. Is there a tactful way to let her know that she, uh, reeks?
Signed,
The "Give us Arrid X-tra Dry" Armpit Army
Dear Armpit Army,
There is no tactful way to tell her. There never is. Can't she smell herself? That's what I never understand with these smelly types. I usually opt for honesty but in this case I think you have to go the cowardly route because she's your boss. Subtle hints like leaving a can of deodorant on her desk, are not going to work. You've got to leave an anonymous note and tell her quite frankly that she stinks and is alienating her employees. Sure she'll be mortified but in the long run, you're doing her a favor. To me, there is nothing more loving you can say to a friend than, "you need a mint."
Susie
Dear Susie,
I was out of town one weekend and my best friend and husband slept together. What should I do? Right now I am not speaking to her and I am still with my husband. Me and my best friend have mutual friends and it is very awkward for our friends when either of our names are brought up. Should I give her a second chance at a friendship? We were very close but it still hurts. Please help.
Signed,
stabbed in the back, Indiana
Dear stabbed in the back,
Listen to me carefully, YOU'RE HUSBAND SLEPT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!!! Get the f*** rid of both of them immediately and then get yourself some self esteem. Look Stabbed, I'm not saying that husband's never cheat. Of course they do, they're men. But he should have had the decency to go outside of your social circle. You don't shit where you eat and as far as I can tell, they've both shit on you. Time to flush them into the sewer, which is where they belong anyway.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I love my wife and we been married for about 3 years. I still love her but I am attracted to and want to be with other women. I am only 34 years old and I feel trapped sometimes. How can I control my wanting to be with other women? Or should I discuss it with her?
Signed,
Brent - Washington, DC
Dear Brent,
Oh grow up! What do you think you're the only person who has ever had a wandering eye? Have you ever seen my husband? If you think I'm not looking at all these hunks running around parking cars in Hollywood you're mistaken. We all feel trapped. That's what marriage is. Perhaps if we changed the wedding vows to, "to love, honor, cherish and you're never going to have sex with anyone else for the rest of your life", you'd get it.
Susie
Dear Susie,
My male pattern baldness is really starting to assert itself. What's the answer? Comb-over? Plugs? Pharmaceuticals? Toupee? Or let nature run its course?
Signed,
Follically Challenged - Maplewood, NJ
Dear Follically Challenged,
The fact that you would even consider a comb-over or toupee is deeply disturbing to me. Look around you and see how ridiculous these men look. Two words - fooling no one! Plugs may be an option if done well but I've seen too many men who make me want to take a magic marker and play connect the dots on their heads. There's nothing wrong with baldness if you've got the face for it. Look at Sean Connery. Of course the odds are you don't look like him. Even so, I'd let nature run its course. Women don't care about it as much as you think. Secretly, we actually like it because we know how scared you men become at the first sign of baldness. It gives us pleasure to see you suffer and obsess over your looks in middle age because we've been doing it since we were twelve! Oh and if you're lucky enough to be a black man, then just shave your head. You'll look super cool. White men who try it look like serial killers.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I am single and started meeting men on the internet. I met this very interesting, intellectual and sexy guy. He said that I was his soul-mate, his dream girl, the love of his life. The next day, he dumped me with a text message on my cell phone. Besides being so cowardly, don't you think that this is an improper use of technology?
Signed,
Janine - Los Angeles, CA
Dear Janine,
You live by the sword you die by the sword. Men are cowards no matter how you meet them. You're lucky you even got a text message. How many times have I heard from my girlfriends that the guy never called again? Your biggest mistake was believing anything he said in the first place. They lie all the time to get women into bed and they can't help themselves. Spreading their seed is programmed into their DNA. It's their mission on this earth. The sooner you understand that, the happier you'll be. Realize that they are slaves to their biological impulses and assume the worst and you'll never be disappointed. On the positive side, if men didn't try to relentlessly get women into bed no matter what the emotional consequences then the species would probably die out. Then where would we be? Certainly not shopping at Neimans and oh the pleasures we'd be missing out on.
Susie
Dear Susie,
Last year I was married and one of my friends attended my wedding and didn't give me a gift. She's getting married next month-- Should I give her a gift or not?
Signed,
Too rude - Springfield, MA
Dear Too rude ,
Well the mature reasonable part of me say's that two wrongs don't make a right and you don't have to stoop to their level and take the high road etc., but my gut tells me that these low life's don't deserve a damn thing. Marriage is a sacred thing and if these people can't acknowledge the sacrifice you're making then screw them. Believe me, marriage is not easy but it's a necessary evil and something we all must endure. It's only right that you should get gifts that will help to ease the pain.
Susie
Dear Susie,
Two co-workers at my job are having an affair that everyone knows about. The floozy lives in my neighborhood and I run into her with her family at the supermarket all the time. I feel guilty as hell that I know and feel her husband should get a hint. Do you think someone should "inadvertently" spill the beans?
Signed,
Worried Worker - Westbury, NY
Dear Worried worker ,
Keep your mouth shut. Ever hear of killing the messenger? Besides, things are not always what they seem. For all you know he's glad she's not bothering him. I know I feel that way many times... Or maybe he's cheating on her as well. Who knows? The bottom line is, it's none of your business and why are you so invested in their marriage anyway? Maybe it's time for you to look within. Perhaps you feel guilty about your own wondering eye? Mmmmmm?
Susie
Dear Susie,
I slept with my best friend's 18-year-old niece - what now?
Signed,
The dog from Durango, CO
Dear "dog from Durango",
Well if I had any say in the matter it would be jail! You're a sick pervert. Control yourself for godsake. Why do you old men always pray on these innocent young things. I think it's because a young girl won't know how bad you are in bed because she's got nothing to compare you to. You're just an insecure moron who doesn't have the balls to be with a real woman with real needs. Grow up and get counseling.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I've been struggling to break through as an actress for six months. Do you think a boob job would help or hurt?
Signed,
"Anna Nicole with an A-cup", Ann Arbor, MI
Dear Anna Nicole with an A-cup,
Get one, it will help. My husband is a very prominent man in the entertainment world and all he and his successful show biz cronies do is stare at women's boobs. I'd go so far as to say that they're obsessed with them. I happen to have been genetically blessed with an attractive bustline. The first time I met Jeff I caught him eyeing my decolletage and knew I had him right where I wanted him. Flash a little boob and they're putty in your hands. If they're dumb enough to think a plastic ball is a turn on then beat them at their own game. They're all a bunch of frigging idiots anyway so use it.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I've only been married six weeks and already my husband spends more time watching TV than talking to me. How can I get back the man I walked down the aisle with?
Signed,
"The Honeymoon is Over" Milwaukee, WI
Dear The Honeymoon is Over,
You can't and in the long run, you probably don't want to. Accept it and move on. That whole beginning romantic "in love" thing doesn't last. It's one of the great cosmic tricks that are played on us. Falling in love makes you deranged and clouds your judgment. Believe me, I was in love with Jeff once too. It's a biological thing. We're attracted to one another for about two years so we can procreate and the species can continue and then you wake up one day and look over and you're in bed with a fat f***. Consider yourself lucky if you can look at him over breakfast and not get nauseated. Cut your losses and get a hobby. I recommend rug weaving. Or you can always opt for the ultimate distraction and marital sex killer, have a kid.
Susie
Dear Susie,
My libido is through the roof and my husband thinks I'm crazy
Signed,
"Samantha" Syracuse, NY
Dear Samantha,
If your husband is anything like my husband then you're certifiable. But seriously, you are probably going through some kind of hormonal fluctuation. Calm down and don't make a spectacle of yourself. Get a prescription for Prozac or Zoloft or one of the popular anti depressants out there. They diminish your libido and cheer you up all at once. It's a win win! Volunteer for sex and you erode your power base. Remember, one the keys to a great partnership is to always make him beg for it.
Susie
Dear Susie,
My husband gave me a beautiful diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. I decided to get it insured and was informed by the jeweler that the diamond was actually a piece zircon. My husband claimed to have spent a lot of money when he bought it and explained that this gift was why he had to work so many late nights. Should I tell him that perhaps he has been ripped off?
Signed,
"Husband's Been Cheated," Kalamazoo, MI
Dear Husband's Been Cheated,
Now I've heard it all. WAKE THE F*** UP!!!!!!!!!!! Working late to buy you a fake piece of shit? Either he's a total moron or you are. I hate to break it to you honey but the man is having an affair. Working late my ass. If he doesn't have enough respect for you to buy you the real thing as a compensatory guilt gift then you'd better high tail out of there. Last time I suspected Jeff of cheating it cost him big. I'm talking three carats pink cushion cut! For me it was worth it. He can do whatever he wants as long as he knows how to pay for his indiscretions. Believe me, a diamond is forever but a man is only as good as his credit limit.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I'd like to tell my husband more about what makes me happy in bed, but I'm extremely shy (I don't even look at myself when I'm changing!) Any suggestions on how to break the ice?
Signed,
"Shy and Deprived," Queens, NY
Dear Shy and Deprived,
Go shopping at Loehman's where you'll be forced to use the communal dressing room. Practice by telling the woman trying to fit a size 12 body into a size 6 dress how she really looks. You'll feel empowered and you'll get some good buys too.
Susie
Dear Susie,
I'm 63 and I just started dating a 23-year old man. My friends think he must be after my money. What do you think?
Signed,
"Still Got It," Naples, Florida
Dear Still Got It,
Well of course he's after your money. What kind of stupid question is that? But who cares!
As long as you're getting it from a 23 year old, enjoy yourself. Remember, you're using him too. He must bore the crap out of you when you're not in bed. He's probably good for about an hour and then he gets out of bed and wants to watch cartoons and asks for a nice cold glass of bosco. Just keep it in perspective and don't write him into the will. Oh and if he calls you Mommy, kick him the hell out. That's just sick.
Susie
Dear Susie,
My 350+ pound friend wants to ride in my new sports car, but I don't think she fits and may be a bit too heavy for the car. What should I do?
Signed,
Shakey Shocks, Manhasset, NY
Dear Shakey Shocks,
Tell her. You'll be doing her a favor. Besides, do you think she doesn't know she's a fatty? Believe me, she's used to being discriminated against. My husband Jeff can barely fit into an SUV let alone a sports car. And whose fault is that? Not mine. Not yours. She made her bed so let her lie in it. At 350 plus that's probably all she can do anyway. Sorry if this sounds harsh but remember, reality is your friend.
Susie
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