What do you make of the American side of the Chadwick clan?
They have better dentistry.
Which set of Chadwicks do you prefer -- the English or the American side?
The Brits. They have a more desperate humanity; they need me more.
Do you see a future for Bea and Pete? You have a unique insight, as you're privy to their hookup. What do you think of him?
Bea doesn't fully realize this, but the reason she is drawn to him is because he is the closest thing there is to a human embodiment of me. Inferior certainly, but a cartoon approximation. I was privy to their encounter, yes. I prayed for eyelids that night, but it's a godless universe.
And what about Dave Chadwick? You tell him you'd like to see him naked -- is that your wish, or are you expressing a secret desire of Bea's?
If I made any overture to Dave Chadwick it was with my own needs in mind. If there was a man who could turn me it would be Dave. I only met him the once but I felt a charge.
We do know you've got a thing for gloves -- Tom confirms your episode with his grandfather's boxing glove wasn't the first incident of that kind...
I have no idea what you are talking about. Get out. Pervert.
What were you and Bea like in your early days? Did you get her into trouble when she was a child?
No, I got her out of trouble. Children are more enlightened thinkers than adults; there was little judgment and much understanding there. A normal happy childhood seamlessly morphed into a deeply troubled adulthood. We are not wrong, the world around us is.
But you have been a bit of a hindrance for Bea in the career department -- you've lost her the children's birthday party gig, ruined a Greek wedding, and ended her career at the bank. What do you have to say for yourself?
We don't need to kowtow to charlatans.
You gave Bea quite a scare on the boardwalk. How did you end up in that donation bin?
How would I know that? Idiot.
Have you thought about looking into your own family tree?
I've a suspicion I'm the lovechild of Sean Connery and an oven glove. Looking backwards is too painful...I try to focus on the present moment.
What do you do in your leisure time? Any hobbies?
I know no downtime. I'd take up the Japanese bondage art of Shibaru had I the wherewithal.
Is there anything else you'd like to share/discuss with your fans?
My love of Wittgenstein.