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HBO: Why did each of you choose to be a part of
this film?
Shelly: One of the main reasons I did it was because
this disorder is just so secretive, and you are
so isolated. I mean, mentally, you isolate
yourself from everything - from friends, from
family, from the world. And I guess most
importantly, I wanted to tell people. And I
thought that if it could help at least one
person to get help, then it was worth it all.
But I also did it because I wanted my family
to see what it really was like for me, because I
was hiding it from them as well; all my
feelings, all my thoughts, everything was tied
into my eating disorder. I was hiding it from
everybody. It was also a hard decision
because you are putting yourself out there.
But I have been silent for too long, and I really
wanted others to know what it was like. And it
wasn't just the eating disorder. It was also
depression and anxiety and cutting and
everything else that goes along with this.
Polly: It was a difficult decision for me, but I felt that
it was really, really important. Initially, it was
rather awkward. There were even times I
questioned whether or not I wanted to stick
with it. But after a few days, you just forgot
the cameras were there.
Alisa: Initially, I don't know that I really wanted to
be a part of the film. To be honest, there
wasn't much I cared about back then outside
of the eating disorder. I think my life was so
miserable before. I felt so misunderstood.
There was a part of me that really wanted to
put the message out there that, "Hey, this is
my life. This is not a joking matter." And the
more that I was involved in the film I think
the more motivated I became. I think at that
time - and again, my motivation is different
now - but at that time, just the thought that,
"Hey, if there is somebody out there who
could benefit from this, then I would like to
participate."
HBO: If you were talking with someone who's been
struggling secretly with an eating disorder,
what would you say to them?
Polly: It's not worth it. It's not worth it to be thin. I
still have health troubles that are directly
related to my anorexia. And I felt I couldn't go
to anybody, because if I went to anybody, they
were gonna take it away from me. And I was
in denial for a long time. And there is so
many different avenues when I look back that
I could have taken to have avoided it, and I
just didn't have the courage; I didn't have the
courage to talk to anybody.
HBO: Where are each of you at now, in terms of
your recovery?
Polly: I was in the ICU unit, clinging to life. So
initially, a treatment facility is exactly where I
needed to be, because I needed to be
somewhere with people who were
professionally trained in how to handle an
eating disorder, and really, to get me eating,
because I wasn't thinking clearly. I was so
malnourished that, even though I wanted to
eat, I couldn't, because I was so deeply
embedded with the anorexia. If I had to give
anybody any advice, I would say don't jump at
the first treatment facility. There are so many
different ones out there that are so good. And
really research 'em out and find the one that
is the best fit for you.
HBO: What happened when you left Renfrew? How
has your life changed?
Alisa: The film ends actually with a caption stating
that after leaving Renfrew, I took off 20
pounds, had an overdose on diuretic, and
returned to Renfrew... which was indeed the
case. I actually relapsed probably worse than
I ever have in my life. And I wound up having
to return to Renfrew for about a month and a
half, and I was making no progress at all.
And they had decided to discharge me and
send me to another facility. Something with
insurance had fallen through, and I wound up
staying at Renfrew. But after about two
months, I just woke up one day and
something was just different. And from that
day forward, I have been in recovery. I left
Renfrew at the end of March 2005, and
returned to work as a teacher - because I left
teaching for a few years. And I have been
working ever since, and just working through
recovery. And it's a difficult process. My life
has changed 200 percent. I feel like I am a
completely different person. Every day is like
a new awakening.
Polly: Well, when I left, I was right back where I was
before. It was like I had never been at
Renfrew. That was initially. I was devastated.
I was full of shame. I was, once again, back
in that mode of "I've let my family down." The
day after I got back to Johnson City, an aunt
that I had not spoken to in 26 years called
me. And she had heard about my situation.
And she had actually struggled with anorexia
like 30 years before. And so, she invited me
down for the weekend. And I actually came
down for what was supposed to be two days,
and stayed for 11. I came back down and
lived with them for six weeks. I found my own
place, and sold my house up in Johnson City,
and I got a job, and it all worked out. And I
run my own studio now, and everything has
just really almost miraculously fallen into
place.
Shelly: I've struggled since I left Renfrew. I've had a
hard time managing my depression, and my
anxiety, which I think kind of led to my eating
disorder as a way to cope with that. It kind of
lessens and dulls things--the anxiety and the
depression when I am not eating, when I am
focused on something else. So I've been
struggling for about for two and a half years.
I have had a few feeding tubes since then, got
my weight up, taken it out, gone, back down.
But right now, I am actually doing very well,
and I am on a medication that really helped
me. It gave me my appetite back. It's kind of
scary, because I've been gaining weight a little
bit recently. And although I'm still
underweight, I'm close to my goal weight.
And I got married. So I need to pull my weight
now in a relationship. And I have to be there
for that person, too. And I can't do that if I
have an eating disorder.
HBO: Do you have any thoughts for someone who is
struggling or seeking help, who might see the
movie?
Polly: And I would tell somebody, you know, "You
are not alone in this. And it's not something
that you have to do. And if you'll just take the
chance... If you just find a little bit of
courage, enough to say, 'Help me.' It'll save
your life...and to avoid a lot of damage to
yourself." For me, I felt so alone, when I was
at the darkest moments with anorexia. And I
come from a huge family, and it didn't matter.
I had tons of friends, and that didn't matter. I
still felt completely alone. And that was one
thing that was good about Renfrew was that I
realized I wasn't alone.
Alisa: I have a lot of compassion and a lot of
sympathy now that I didn't have before for
family members. And, if nothing else, I would
like to empower family members, and let them
see that they are really not to blame; that they
can be supportive, but recovery is a choice, in
that they - the family member, friend, loved
one - can't take on that responsibility for the
patient. It's not their burden to carry. And
they have to remember that.
As for somebody who is struggling, I would
say recovery is a choice. It's a very, very
difficult, draining, grueling, exhausting
[LAUGHS] process. But every single day that
I wake up, it's a choice. And I make the
choice to remain in recovery. And I think that
applies to everyone...to anyone suffering from
this; that they too have to make a choice. I
also think people have to take a good hard
look at themselves. I think I spent so many
years thinking that I was misunderstood by
others. And I think the day that it finally
clicked was when I realized that the person
who misunderstood me for so many years
was, was actually me. [LAUGHS]
Shelly: If someone is ready to get help, I would say
the best thing would probably be to go into a
residential program. Of course, that's not
always affordable, but that is the best option.
If not, like I'd say get into therapy, look into
some groups in your community. And don't
isolate yourself. Don't. Because I just think
you go deeper and deeper and deeper into it.
And just be courageous and ask for help. And
I know it's hard; it's hard to give up, and it's
the one thing you probably don't want to give
up, but it's worth it. You can have your life
back. It takes a while. So be ready for a
journey, and be patient, and be strong.
Alisa: I would say recovery is attainable. And there
was a time when I didn't think it was possible.
My life is good now. The majority of my days
are very, very good. But there was a time
where I couldn't understand why, "Why do I
do this? It hurts so bad." And I cry all the
time. But the misery that I felt day in and day
out was still so much better than the nothing
that I felt when I was in the disorder. I feel
real now. I feel like a genuine person.
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