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HBO: What inspired you to make the film?
Lori Benson: When I got the phone call from my doctor to
come in, that they'd found something on my
mammogram, the first thing my husband [a
documentary filmmaker] said was, "Let's bring
a camera to the doctor's office." And the first
thing I said was, "Absolutely not!" But
somehow the next day there was someone
with a camera following me. I didn't really
think anything of it. It seemed completely
natural. For the first two weeks, I was so in
the thick of it, I wasn't thinking "I am making
a film" I wasn't directing shots or telling the
camera person [a friend], what to capture, I
was me, Lori Benson, just diagnosed with
breast cancer, with a fourteen month old
child. That's all I could think about it.
But about a month after the dust settled, I
saw a box of DV tapes sitting in my living
room, and I was like, "Hey, I wonder what's on
these. I'm going to take a look." And there it
was. I was floored. I saw myself, me on
camera, going through the experience of
having breast cancer. Me, breastfeeding
Talula for the last time, me walking through
the surgery doors, me, bare with one breast. It
was just intense, so life changing, and in that
moment, I knew I had to make this film.
HBO: What did you discover during the journey of
making the film?
Lori Benson: I remember the phone call so well thinking,
"Did she say, 'We think you have breast
cancer, you have breast cancer, you're going
to die tomorrow?'" I couldn't decipher what
was real or wasn't real.. But I do remember,
that moment being a life changing experience,
I recognized that with this one phone call, my
life would never be the same.
It's like when you have a child, you can't
really remember your life before they were
born, it's that sort of thing. The experience of
being told you have cancer is otherworldly. An
instant reality check. The crazy thing is,
initially I kind of felt empowered by it, like I
am being given an opportunity to connect to
something bigger in life and that part was
good, it helped me grow as a person, but there
was also denial. And a bit defiance, and
sometimes, when I'm really honest with
myself, I think on some level those things
served me as well. They helped me be a little
tougher than I might have felt deep, deep
inside.
But it worked, because over the course of a
couple years and processing everything, I feel
like I came out the other side much stronger,
much braver for all that I've learned, and the
amazing, amazing people I've met, and then
there's the love I receive when people see the
film, and the emails I receive. I feel like I'm
being hugged all the time.
At the same time I don't really feel like it's
over. I live with the reality of what it is to
have breast cancer all the time. Might it come
again? I don't know. It's one of these
conversations I kind of have with myself and a
few friends that have been through it, too.
But I think that the process of making the
film helped me on my journey to healing, and
to feel inspired. I feel very fortunate.
One thing that's really beautiful about having
a film to share is that I can share my
experience in a way that people can really
connect to and understand what I went
through. It's an extraordinary experience to
receive so much love from people I don't even
know because they saw the film and wanted
to wish me good health or write to say they
went for their first mammogram or held their
child all night after seeing the film. It's so
touching.
I worked really hard to express some of the
more universal aspects of life in Dear Talula,
things that are everyone's story. Time does
pass fast, especially when you look through
the eyes of a child and see how quickly
they grow. That has nothing to do with
getting cancer but everything to do with
remembering how fragile life is and being
conscious to that reality.
I hate to sound cliche, but in the context of
my experience, none of it felt like a cliche
because that's what I needed to tell myself
and it really helped me. It's real. Life is
ridiculously unpredictable. And none of it
should be taken for granted.
And in the end, I feel like the film is a
love letter to Talula, for her to know how
much I love her and that she really was, and
is, an inspiration to me everyday.
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