| October 24, 2008 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: Next year, someone has to put an initiative on the ballot that bans all ballot initiatives. Can you follow these things? "Vote Yes to say No to the people who Support the Opponents of Prop 13 - by voting No on Prop 11, which says Yes to energy independence, and Not No to our teachers and firefighters." If Thomas Jefferson ever heard this crap, he'd be spinning in his slave. Two hundred fifty years later, still an "ooh." Too soon.
New Rule: Californians must not ban gay marriage. It's not just a question of equal rights. I also want to see Lindsay marry "Squiggy."
New Rule: You're not allowed to be shocked that breathing smoke might be bad for you. A new study shows that frequently burning incense might cause cancer. What, did you think you were protected by some kind of magic hippie force field? It comes down to what I always say: if you're going to burn something and then inhale it, it might as well be getting you high.
New Rule: After he loses the race, John McCain must get a contract with a boner pill company. You think those Bob Dole ads with Britney were creepy? Wait 'til you see McCain screaming at his penis: "Stand up! Fight with me! Don't hide from history! Stand up!"
New Rule: Stop saying Sarah Palin looks like that lady from "Saturday Night Live." Sarah Palin looks like that lady from "King of the Hill."
And, finally, New Rule: Barack Obama has to give comedians something to work with. Seriously, here's a guy who's not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phony. Who needs an asshole like that around for the next four years?!
And what makes it even harder for comedians, Senator, is, on top of being perfect, you're black! And liberals are afraid to laugh at anything with a black person in it. Which is silly, because when I do an Obama joke, it's not about all blacks. Just like when I do a George Bush joke, it's not a swipe at all retarded people.
Ah, George Bush. I mean, sure, he ruined banking, housing and the auto industry. But, the state of the comedy business was strong. And people need to laugh at their president. It's right in the Constitution.
I, for one, do not want to go through the next four years sphincter-ing up - every time someone makes a joke about a black man who happens to be the president. If you can't laugh at a guy who went to Columbia, Harvard, the Senate and the White House, and who happens to be black, the racist is you.
And, Senator Obama, I beg you, for your own sake, give the haters out there something to make fun about you, something that can serve to draw out a lot of their venom in a way that won't do any real harm. For one thing, you could stop being so thin. What are you, trying to get a Gap ad? Go ahead, meet with Burger King without preconditions. By inauguration day, I want to see "President Rerun."
And what's this about quitting smoking? Don't quit. Smoke more! I mean, we get it: you don't need us. But it would be nice to know you needed something. And, for God's sakes, could you "black it up" a little?
White people love celebrity black success. Put a giant shark tank in the White House.
Get a revolving, heart-shaped bed - and tell visiting world leaders, "This is where I make my babies at."
And if this still doesn't appease the haters, Senator, your ace in the hole is, you have a half-brother in Africa, who could be your ticket to vulnerability. World leaders are often humanized by idiot sidekicks. Jimmy Carter had Billy Carter and Bill Clinton had Roger Clinton, and Dick Cheney had George Bush. I don't like George Bush.
And, since no one knows what your African brother's life is really like, you bring him over here as the poverty-stricken relative who gets to live with his American family. Kind of a "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," only with black people.
America will eat it up. The president learning to get in touch with his roots, while your brother learns he can't chase the press around the Rose Garden with a stick with a monkey's skull on it. Hilarity will ensue when you tell them, "We're having the French ambassador for dinner." And he eats the French ambassador.
So, loosen up, America. Let's end the war on humor. The USA needs to LOL, because, you know, we're going to be facing this problem with a woman president soon enough, and we're definitely going to need our sense of humor in 2016 after we inaugurate President Elizabeth D. Hasselbeck.
