| September 19, 2008 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
All right, New Rule: "Ain't no party like a Wall Street party, 'cause a Wall Street party don't stop." You know, if we're going to really reform Wall Street, can we start by figuring out a way to do business a better way than having a bunch of sweaty guys screaming and waving pieces of paper with numbers on them? This is supposed to be the most sophisticated financial system in the world! They look like they're trying to lay bets at a cockfight!
New Rule: Stop calling what's happening to the financial markets "an adjustment." An adjustment is something you do in your sweatpants when your penis falls out of your underwear. This is a cluster-f*ck.
New Rule: Bring back a little pubic hair. Not a lot. I'm not talking about reviving that 1973 look that said, "I'm liberated and I'm smuggling a hedgehog." I just want a friendly, fuzzy calling card that tells me I'm not going to get arrested. Can't we find some middle ground between toddler smooth and "Dr. Livingstone I presume"?
New Rule: I understand that we had to save this insurance company-[slide of AIG logo]-but if the one with the Cockney lizard gets in trouble, just let it die.
New Rule: And I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but the arms race to supply us with hotter, bustier weather women...must stop. Either that or at least give me time to reach a climax before you throw to the bald sports guy. I used to tune in to see if I needed a raincoat. Now, I wear a raincoat while I'm tuning in.
And finally, New Rule: If we can't, after all is said and done, make this election go the right way, at least we can save one man. I'm talking about young master Levi Johnston. He's the 18-year-old Alaskan hockey enthusiast who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter, and the National Enquirer describes him as a "boozing pot smoker who doesn't want to get married." And John McCain thinks he found HIS soul mate.
You know, we've all recently seen how the evil henchmen of the Republican Party captured this poor innocent out of his natural habitat and forced him into a shotgun wedding. Because, when the 17-year-old daughter of the VP candidate is out to here, it's just better that Levi was introduced as "the fiancee." Looks a little less white-trashy.
But, that doesn't change the fact that right now Levi is America's number-one political prisoner. But, Levi, you don't have to be. This is the 21st century at least in the blue states. You don't have to do this. You have options. You can pull a - you know, a "Juno." F*ck, you LIVE in Juneau!
Or you could do what most people do with an unwanted child: give it to Angelina Jolie!
And, look, if you're worried about the baby, don't. I mean, let's get real, dude. The way you are, at 18, that baby is better off not being around you. You'll wind up losing it or shooting it or--it'll be on the bottom of your skate or something. Just - just let the Palin womenfolk look after it for a while. One more infant in that Mormon compound they call a house - won't bother anybody. They will barely notice another kid at the table.
And soon they won't even remember whose seed it was that produced young "Trink" or "Truck" or... Puck, or whatever f*cked-up redneck name the give it.
In any event, we here at "Real Time" have taken the liberty of purchasing the website, FreeLevi.org. There it is: "Free Levi." And, it is yours to use if you want to use it to get folks to contribute to some sort of liberty fund so you can get enough money to get out of that frozen meth lab they call a town.
And even if the money doesn't come in, it's not too late. Just grab your skull bong--climb out the window and get on the highway. I can't actually come and get you, myself, or even let you stay at my place, because I'm pretty sure you'd smoke all my weed.
But, just call me from the pay phone. I know of a safe house you can stay in until after the election. It's - it's like the witness protection program for baby daddies.
And, remember, Levi, California knows how to PARTY! Trust me, son, the girls out here are going to love a big, high-sticking farm boy like you. You play your cards right, in a couple of weeks, you could be screwing the lesbian right out of Lindsay Lohan.
