| April 18, 2008 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: [slide of movie posters for "Made of Honor" and "Prom Night"] If women stop making every movie about getting married, men will stop making every movie about killing you.
New Rule: You shouldn't have to pay for a stamp to mail your taxes. You are sending your money to the same people who sell you the stamp. It's like a collection agency calling you collect.
New Rule: Airlines should just get it over with and start putting passengers in the cargo hold. Let's face it. You've already taken away the leg room, the food, the pillows. The only thing left is to tag us, load us onto the conveyor belt - and let us fight over who gets to sleep on the bag of mail.
New Rule: The Pope must wear a slip. I'm sorry, but some people just shouldn't do "casual Friday." And, I don't understand. Usually, the Catholic Church is so good about covering things up.
New Rule: Crappy companies don't get to merge with other crappy companies. This week, Blockbuster Video announced a hostile takeover of Circuit City. What a brilliant idea. The two places nobody goes anymore finally under one roof. Blockbuster's plan is to combine their expertise in never having the video you want--with Circuit City's high-pressure sales staff of ignorant teenagers--to create the ultimate in horrible retail experiences.
And finally, New Rule: Referring to voters who America has left behind economically as "bitter" isn't an insult. In fact, it's a compliment, acknowledging that they're smart enough to understand what's happening to them.
The hopeful, now those are some idiots.
So, let's separate the bitter - my people - from the idiots. If you think the Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. And if you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.
Now, at the end of last week when Barack Obama ignited the "bitter-gate" scandal, you would have thought that he had scaled Mount Rushmore, dick-slapped Jefferson in the face--and spray painted "God damn America" over Lincoln. But, he wasn't lying. The truth is that religion and guns and hating gays and immigrants, are crutches that people lean on. So are fast-food, crystal meth and child beauty pageants, but we don't have time to tackle all of America's addictions in one night.
So, let's focus on the big thing. That the people who claim to be the "non-elitists," are the ones who constantly shift tax burdens from the people who fire you, to you. John McCain voted to repeal the estate tax, voted against raising the minimum wage, has no health care plan, and is fine with keeping the working class in Iraq for a hundred years. But, he's a real "man of the people."
And the president went to Harvard and Yale, and inherited your country from his dad. But, he's not an elitist because he can neither read nor write.
What does it take to label someone "elitist" these days anyway? They wear shoes? They don't buy their groceries at the gas station? Their dog has a name and their truck doesn't?!
You know who is bitter in America? I am. Because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with, and everybody else had to suffer the consequences!
