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New Rule: Airport security doesn't need to be more laid back. The TSA's latest plan is cool blue lighting as you go through security, with mood music. And as the screener pats you down, he sucks on your earlobe--until you relax and let your thighs fall open. You know, thanks for the mudpack and the cucumber slices, TSA, but I'd prefer if you just do your job faster. The line is so slow that by the time I got my shoes back on, they were out of style.
New Rule: Asking a rude question to Chelsea Clinton is no way to remind voters of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, especially when it can be done much more subtly. [photo shown of Barack Obama feeding milk to a calf] It's him sticking a thing in a cow's mouth. Why isn't that funny to people? I find that very funny. Okay.
New Rule -- whatever -- stop giving me news about Heidi and Spencer. I don't know who Heidi is. I don't know who Spencer is. I don't know what they do or why they're in the news. I just know I want them to die.
New Rule: Never play a sport in public that you suck at. To connect with Pennsylvania's blue-collar voters, Barack Obama went bowling and scored a 37. And the right-wing had a field day. Joe Scarborough said he bowls like a four-year-old. And Ann Coulter offered to loan him one of her balls. But, you know who's a good bowler? George Bush. His specialty is pre-emptive strikes.
New Rule: Fashion models must lose the disinterested sneer. That look doesn't say "pouty mystique." It says, "I have rectal itch." You know, I know it sucks to be 16 and stuck on a runway in Milan in a Versace original, but consider the outfit you could be wearing. [photo shown of girls in Hotdog-on-a-Stick uniforms]
And, finally, New Rule: If voting can destroy the Democratic Party, then the party isn't very democratic. Democrats need to stop freaking out about how this long primary battle between two popular candidates needs to be settled "yesterday!" Because the candidates are bloodying each other! They're causing irreparable harm! Mommy and daddy are fighting!! Hey, you people need to reach into your teenager's knapsack and pull out a Paxil or a Prozac and chill out.
Democrats, your task is not just to choose between this pair, it's to grow a pair. Now, I know the idea of a very close race brings up some pretty bad memories for Democrats, but these are Democratic primaries. There are no Republicans in this race, so there's nobody organized enough to actually steal the election.
What is so terrible about a long, drawn-out contest? A season of "American Idol" is, what? 87 weeks? That's a lot of time just to pick a cruise ship entertainer. This is the presidency we're talking about. I understand that a lot of Democrats feel passionately about their candidate, and that's great. But then their passion gets the best of them and they go on websites like dailykos and post stuff like the Obama supporter who wrote, "I will vote for Hillary, but then I will leave the country." Yes, because who could live in a nation that elects the person that you just voted for.
And that is what is so great about the Internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
But, that doesn't mean I'm throwing my hat in for Hillary. For one thing, she'd say I was shooting at her. And I know she's going to have a tough time catching Obama, because he's black and she's not that fast.
But, this is America. We don't call the election before we know who the real winner is. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.
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