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New Rule: Stop calling an economy spiraling out of control and into recession a "rough patch." Dick Cheney says not to worry, the U.S. economy is experiencing a "rough patch." And that President Bush is just going through a stage. Folks, this couple went through a rough patch. [shot of New York Governor David Paterson and his wife] The U.S. economy is more like this couple. [shot of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston] New Rule: Don't get rid of the penny. Rename it the dollar. Cheer up, America. You're not penniless; you're dollar-more! You can kill two birds with one stone, and then eat those birds over a trash fire in your shanty-town under the overpass. New Rule: As far as I'm concerned Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper still doesn't have enough sh*t going on. I need Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. No, no, no. I need Cool Ranch Extreme Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. And baked. And I want a sticker on it telling kids that drugs are bad. New Rule: If your news organization's website has more than three pictures of Eliot Spitzer's hooker on it, you're a porn site. The only difference: on a porn site, "spitzer" is a verb. New Rule: On the day you face the press about your extra-marital sexual escapades, leave the wife at home. She's already humiliated. And now you're going to drag her in front of every legitimate media outlet known to man. And Fox News?! Besides, these pictures don't say, "Look at my wife, still by my side." They say, "Look at my wife. Can you blame me?" You'll get over it. And finally, New Rule: Old soldiers never die. They get young soldiers killed. This week, John McCain said for the third time in two days that Iran, a Shiite stronghold, was training Al Qaeda, a militant Sunni organization. That the Hatfields of the Muslim world would be working with the McCoys, is so not true even Dick Cheney hasn't said it. Now, the press, which loves McCain because he feeds them barbecue--dismissed this as just one of those senior moments --not to worry, he's only going to have his finger on the nuclear trigger. But, it's not just a gaffe. It's what McCain really thinks. And therein lies the paradox of this campaign. McCain's strength is really his weakness. He's a warrior who's dumb about war. Now, if you ever read The Art of War, chapter three of The Art of War says, "Know thy enemy." And John McCain plainly doesn't. He thinks the solution is our presence in the Middle East. No, the problem is our presence in the Middle East. That's why I don't care if John McCain is better than Bush on global warming or torture or campaign finance, because he's exactly the same as Bush on the war. They both don't get the same thing. That, as long as we're setting up shop in the heart of the Arab world, we're not keeping America safer. Bin Laden goes ballistic over cartoons in Danish newspapers. And "Goober" and "Grandpa" want to put up a Hooters in Fallujah. They don't hate us for our freedom. They hate us for our fiefdom. Winning the war on terror comes down to this: what will make us safer from pissed-off Arab teenagers who are willing to die? There are a number of good answers to that question, but occupying their land for the next hundred years is not one of them. Some people look at McCain and see a tough guy who's going to protect us from the Islamofascists. I look at him and see a walking Tom Clancy action figure who's going to get us all killed. And yet a new poll shows that a majority of Americans believe John McCain is the candidate best qualified to answer when that red phone rings at three a.m. Because he'd be up anyway trying to pee. Yes, 55% of Americans think it's McCain who should answer that phone, because they know John McCain is a warrior. He will not waver or hesitate. He will answer that phone and give the order that sends men to die. And it will turn out to be a recording asking him if he's happy with his mortgage. |
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