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New Rule: No more pictures of the candidates eating. We don't need to see Obama and his ice cream cone, or Hillary pretending she likes corndogs, or McCain removing his teeth and gumming his Gordita--into a soft, water paste. You want to watch a politician shove something into his mouth? Try the airport bathroom. New Rule: Leaders of real democracies don't dress like Bond villains. [photo of Putin and Medvedev] Here's Vladimir Putin with his sidekick, Oddjob. I mean Dimitri Medvedev, the new president of Russia. They look like the two oldest guys at a Depeche Mode concert. But, still, I can't wait to read Putin's new memoir, The Audacity of Poisoning Your Enemies With a Radioactive Isotope. New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast. It makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get face to face with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts and he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words, "Good chum." I thought that was funny, too. Think about it. New Rule: Scientists in Japan have to start working on something other than a lifelike robot they can have sex with. It's hard to believe in the early '90s, we actually thought Japanese technology was going to squash us. Now, we realize it was all going to make this woman's face look real when she says, "Oh, you so big, you monster!" Besides, there's an easier way to enjoy pseudo-lifelike, robotic sex. Get married. I... with love, I say that. Exactly. New Rule : I'm not dying to know what Nicole Richie will do now. I want to know what the hell she ever did before! And finally, New Rule: Politicians must stop saying, "The American people are smarter than that." No, they aren't. If the Bush era has taught us anything, it's that voters want a president carved from their own image. [photo of Bush making funny face] Someone who doesn't like to read will believe anything he's told, and is easily distracted by bright, shiny objects. Now, this week, Hillary Clinton got back in the race by fighting back, which is political talk for saying stuff about an opponent that works. When the phone rings at three a.m., Hillary is the experienced military genius I automatically want answering the phone because... why? The only three a.m. emergency call she's ever dealt with was her husband begging her to come down to the police station with five hundred dollars and a pair of pants. How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim, is not an opinion or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But, in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11. And the surge is working. What can't you convince people of just by saying it? "John McCain is a cyborg." "He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses." There, I said it. It's true. And you know it's true, because when I wrote it on the Internet, I didn't add "LOL." You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch a lot of reality TV, or you're a Baptist. But, now there's the Internet and Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your pin number? You can also use it to find out stuff. If you think Obama is a Muslim, or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby, or Obama is that baby? That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uniformed. So, let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim. NO HE ISN'T. Was Saddam behind September 11? NO HE WASN'T. And while we're at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11? Because it worked. And, it involved PLANNING. |
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