| October 12, 2007 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: If gays can't get married, then neither can robots. An artificial intelligence researcher is predicting that someday humans will marry robots. A conclusion based on hundreds of studies in psychology and robotics, and 25 minutes alone with a vacuum cleaner.
The robot wife is just like a regular wife, only she doesn't say, "Get off me, you bastard," when you accidentally yell out the wrong model number. And the robot husband, well, they already have a prototype. [photo shown of Mitt Romney]
New Rule: Rednecks who steamrolled Dixie Chicks CDs four years ago now have to do the same thing to Bruce Springsteen's new anti-war album, and John Mellencamp's anti-war album, and John Fogerty's and Neil Young's. I want to see your irrational hatred of dissent take over until you've got nothing left to listen to but Ted Nugent, Christian rock and the audio version of Charlie Daniels' book, Rah-Rah, Blah-Blah, Woo-Hoo, Yee-Haw.
New Rule: The Xerox machine is always broken. The photocopying machine was invented in 1938. You'd think they'd have worked out the kinks by now, but you go into any office in America and you're guaranteed to see two things: a dead ficus tree and a guy fixing the Xerox machine. The one in our office has had more work done on it than Joan Rivers.
New Rule: Stop saying that people make bad decisions because they're young. Have you seen this group? [photo of Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, Powell]
New Rule: Rehabs need to check into rehab. They don't work. How many celebrities have gone through rehab's revolving doors over the past few years and never gotten over their addictions? There's only one thing that's been proven to cure a serious substance abuse problem. Marijuana.
And, finally, New Rule: Show me a man wearing an American flag pin in his lapel, and I'll show you an a**hole.
Last week, we had the first genuine controversy of the presidential campaign, the shocking news that Barack Obama doesn't wear an American flag lapel pin. So, apparently, he and America are no longer going steady. No lapel pin, Senator? It's like not wearing pants. Why don't you just stab the Statue of Liberty in the eye while b*tch-slapping a 9/11 widow?
Another in a series of bullshit non-stories that have zero effect on the troops, the war or anything in the real world. Or, as Fox calls it, "breaking news."
What happened was, a reporter in Iowa asked Obama why he doesn't wear the pin, and Obama explained that, to him, wearing the pin had come to seem like a substitute for true patriotism. Bravo, Senator.
And then, in yet another shining example of why the media is part of the problem, ABC's Claire Shipman said, "TMI, too much information! All he had to say was, 'Don't judge me by what I wear.' Move on. He played into the idea that he's not ready for primetime." What, schoolgirl?! Too much information? What is she, twelve? This is typical press hypocrisy. They say they want someone who doesn't give pat political answers. But when they get one, they call him a loser.
They say they don't want safe robots like Hillary, but they create conditions where only that species can survive. And then they give cover to people like Sean Hannity, who reported on "No Pin-Gate" and then had to call a doctor because his "fake outrage hard-on" lasted longer than 72 hours.
Of course, the Republicans are the party of Mark Foley and Ted Haggard and Larry Craig, and countless other closeted homosexuals. So their fixation on jewelry is understandable. But, still, the flag is just a symbol. You're getting pissy about a broach, you drama queens! One that was probably made in China. One that's probably leaking poison lead on you right now.
Hey, at least that would be some sacrifice. Because, let's be honest. This generation doesn't do real sacrifice. Or even pay for our own wars. That's what grandkids are for!
No, we do flag pins and bumper stickers. And not even bumper stickers. Bumper magnets. Because stickers are tough to get off, and we may change our mind about "never forgetting."
You know, when I see that little flag right there, the first thing I think is, "You voted for and still like George Bush, the man who has gotten more troops unnecessarily killed and maimed by failing to plan for their mission, by pushing their units to the breaking point, but letting his corporate enablers like Halliburton and Bechtel and Blackwater rape and pillage not just the Iraqis, but our own army.
Can you imagine how apoplectic the flag pin people would be if these same transgressions against the military were being made by Bill Clinton? Oh, who am I kidding? They'd still be obsessing about the blowjob.
