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New Rule: Cruise ships have to be renamed "floating death traps." If your friends could see you now, they'd turn away in horror as sharks devour your carcass and then develop some strange virus that no one has ever heard of. New Rule: If Mitt Romney wants respect for the Mormon religion, he has to start wearing a funny hat. Orthodox Jews? Crazy, but they wear funny hats, so you can't diss them. Sikhs. I'm not even sure they're a religion, but I know better than to mess with the hat. The Pope. What does that hat even mean? "I'm infallible"? "I'm a sailboat"? I know it would look weird if Mitt Romney suddenly started wearing a fuchsia pink fire helmet--[slide shown of Romney with fire helmet superimposed]--but, what the hell? He's changed everything else. New Rule: There's no such thing as a "green" shopping mall. Developers in Chicago are building the first "environmentally sensitive" mall. Yes, nothing says "I care about the planet" quite like a vast, air-conditioned temple to disposable consumerism. Surrounded by 300 acres of concrete. "Look, honey, the Wetzel's Pretzel has organic salt!" Some things are just never going to be easy on the environment. Like a mall, a jumbo jet or the septic tank at Rush Limbaugh's house. New Rule: Stop swimming with the dolphins. You're not communing with nature. You're scaring the shit out of a fish. You get into the water with the dolphins and stroke them and kiss them and climb on top of them for a ride, and they pretend to enjoy it. Just like your wife. Besides, there's a much easier way to get up close with a dolphin: open a can of tuna. And finally, New Rule: Death isn't always sad. [photo of Jerry Falwell shown] This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, "Why? Why, God? Why didn't you take Pat Robertson with him?!" I don't want to -- I don't want to say Jerry was disliked by the gay community, but, tonight, in New York City, at exactly 8:00, Broadway theaters along the Great White Way, for two minutes, turned their lights up. Now, I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I think we can make an exception, because speaking ill of the dead was kind of Jerry Falwell's hobby. He was the guy who said AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuality, and that 9/11 was brought on by pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and the ACLU. Or as I like to call them, "my studio audience." But, I found it surreal this week watching people on the news praise Falwell, followed by a clip package of what he actually said. Things like, "Homosexuals are part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated." "If you're a born again Christian, you're a failure as a... If you're not a born again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." "Feminists just need a man around the house." "There is no separation of church and state." And of course, everyone's favorite, "The purple Teletubby is gay." Jerry Falwell found out that you could launder your hate through the cover of God's will. He didn't hate gays. God does. All Jerry Falwell's power came from name-dropping God. And gay people should steal that trick. You know what? Don't say you want something because it's your right as a human being. Say you want it because it's your religion. Gay men have been going at things backwards. Forget civil rights and just make gayness a religion. I mean, you're kneeling anyway. And it's easy to start a religion. Watch. I'll do it for you. I had a vision last night. A vision. The Blessed Virgin Mary came to me. I don't know how she got past the guards. And she told me it's high time to take the high ground from the Seventh Day Adventists and give it to the 24-Hour Party People. And that what happens in the confessional stays in the confessional. Gay men, don't say you're life partners. Say you're a nunnery of two. "We weren't having sex, officer. I was performing a very private Mass. Here in my car. I was letting my rod and my staff comfort him." "Take this, and eat of it, for this is my roommate, Barry." "And for all those who truly believe, there's a special place for you, in 'Kevin.'" And, speaking of heaven, one can only hope that as Jerry Falwell now approaches the Pearly Gates, he is met there by God Himself, wearing a Fire Island muscle shirt and nut-hugger shorts, and saying to Jerry in mighty lisp, "I'm not talking to you!" |
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