| May 11, 2007 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: Flavors have to be actual flavors. Grape is a flavor. Cinnamon is a flavor. "Arctic Chill" and "Crystal Frost"? I'm pretty sure those are types of meth.
New Rule: No more bad Iraq analogies that trivialize the war. This week, Republican John Shimkus compared Iraq to a Cubs-Cardinals game that has gone into extra innings. Which is ridiculous. Iraq is much more like a Yankees-Royals game. One team has lots of power and all the money in the world, and still can't find a way to win.
New Rule: Reporters on "Entertainment Tonight" have to stop--look at that. [photo of David Hasselhoff] He's even holding in his gut when he's sh*t-faced on the floor. I love that. They have to stop referring to the "heartbreaking David Hasselhoff video," and then, on a personal note, adding, "We all hope he gets better." Yeah, right, the only way you could love that video more is if the thing he was eating was Anna Nicole Smith's heart.
And so what, he's drunk on the floor of a Vegas hotel room? Call me old-fashioned. I thought that's what Vegas hotel room floors were for! David Hasselhoff doesn't need help. He's the only guy in the world whose designated driver is his car. [photo of "K.I.T.T" from "Knight Rider"]
New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you.
And finally, New Rule: We should pay the police more. And, in return, demand they stop beating up innocent people.
You know, those of us who live in L.A. have been barraged lately by TV images of the police over-reacting at a Latino demonstration in MacArthur Park. You've seen the video. The scene looks like a barbecue in George Lopez's backyard. And then, suddenly, the cops are firing rubber bullets and knocking over children. You don't usually see Mexicans running that fast unless a bull is chasing them.
Now, of course, the majority of policemen are honest, hard-working and dedicated. And I'd appreciate it when you put this on YouTube, you leave that part in.
I, personally, have been helped many times by policemen. In fact, just last week, a local patrolman helped me get a stripper named "Cat" down out of a tree. Damn "Cat" got up a tree.
And I was engaged to a cop once. Well, not a real cop, but she was dressed like a cop when she came out of the cake.
But why are we, in America, constantly seeing videotape of officers in one police department or another beating the dog-sh*t out of defenseless people? I think all Americans would say to the police everywhere, "We want to support you, even to love you, but you have to remember it says 'to protect and serve' on the side of the car, not 'what the f**k are you looking at?'"
What happened in MacArthur Park was far from the worse violence I've seen. But what sickened me was the attitude of the police. To see these sweet, humble Mexican people holding American flags, and then being shoved to the ground and bullied out of the park on their day of celebration--probably one of their few days off from work. You know, if anyone deserves to be crabby about having a sh*tty job, it's them.
And I know it is true when they say, "You can't know what it's like to be a cop." You're right. I can't. I'm sure there are moments of sheer terror. And it undeniably takes great courage and macho. I couldn't do it. Which is why I didn't sign up for it. You chose to deal with the dregs of society. I chose to deal with Tucker Carlson!
Shrinks deal with crazy people everyday. You never see Dr. Phil say, "F**k it," and start wailing on a guy!
But, when it comes to cops, we're supposed to let it slide, because being a cop is stressful. Hey, if you think being a cop is the only stressful job where you have to deal with the scum of the earth everyday, try the entertainment industry.
