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New Rule: Candidates don't need to know the price of milk. This week, a reporter asked Rudy Giuliani what the price of milk is, and he didn't know. Please, just because Rudy likes to wear a dress doesn't make him a housewife. He's been married three times. When he says he's going out for a carton of milk, he doesn't come back. New Rule: Snorting your father isn't crazy. [photo of Keith Richards] Eating your father, that's crazy. [photo of Catholic girl eating communion wafer]. New Rule: Every network doesn't need a show about models. MSNBC is launching a series called "Models NYC, which will follow a dozen beautiful young women as they struggle to wear clothes and walk in a straight line. What does this have to do with the news, you ask? Who cares?! They're models! Who wants to hear about the icky war in Iraq when you can see skinny girls arguing over who ate the last bagel? "Coming up on 'Hardball,' 'Sequins are pretty.'" New Rule: Stop telling me that vinyl records sound warmer than CDs. I was alive in the '70s, you dip-shit hipsters. I know what vinyl sounds like. Scratchy. And when your friend throws you the bong and it hits the tone arm, your Foghat record is ruined, man! Plus, when you've got a chick over and you're getting your groove on, every 20 minutes, you've got get up out of the beanbag chair and flip over the Ray Stevens album. And finally, New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word, "liberal," they also have to take back the word, "elite." By now, you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite" media and the liberal "elite," who may or may not be part of the Washington "elite," a subset of the East Coast "elite," which is overly influenced by the Hollywood "elite." So, basically, unless you're a sh*t-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists. You know, if you played a drinking game where you did a shot every time Rush Limbaugh attacked someone for being elite, you'd almost be as wasted as Rush Limbaugh. I - I don't get it. In other fields outside of government, "elite" is a good thing, like an "elite" fighting force; Tiger Woods is an "elite" golfer. If I need brain surgery, I'd like an "elite" doctor. But, in politics, "elite" is bad. The "elite" aren't down to earth and accessible like you and me and President Sh*t-for-brains. Which is fine, except that whenever there's a Bush Administration scandal, it always traces back to some incompetent political hack appointment, and you think to yourself, where are they getting these screw-ups from? Well, now we know. From Pat Robertson. I'm not kidding. Take Monica Goodling, who, before she resigned last week, because she's smack in the middle of the U.S. Attorneys scandal, was the third-ranking official in the Justice Department of the United States. She's 33 years old. And though she never even worked as a prosecutor, she was tasked with overseeing the job performance of all 93 U.S. Attorneys. How do you get to the top that fast? Harvard? Princeton? No, Goodling did her undergraduate work at Messiah College. You know, Messiah, home of the Fighting Christ-ies? And then went on to attend Pat Robertson's law school. Yes, Pat Robertson, the man who said that the presence of gay people at Disney World would cause earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, has a law school. And what kid wouldn't want to attend? It's three years, and you only have to read one book. U.S. News & World Report, which does the definitive ranking of colleges, lists Regent as a Tier Four school, which is the lowest score it gives. It's not a hard school to get into. You have to renounce Satan and draw a pirate on a matchbook. This is for people who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix. Now, would you care to guess how many graduates of this televangelist's diploma mill work in the Bush Administration? 150. And you wonder why things are so messed up. We're talking about a top Justice Department official who went to a college funded by a TV host. Would you send your daughter to Maury Povich U.? And if you did, would you expect her to get a job at the White House? In 200 years, we've gone from "We, the people," to "Up With People." From "the best and the brightest" to "dumb and dumber." And where better to find people dumb enough to believe in George Bush than Pat Robertson's law school? The problem here in America isn't that the country is being run by "elites." It's that it's being run by a bunch of hayseeds. And, by the way, the lawyer Monica Goodling just hired to keep her a$$ out of jail, went to a real law school. |
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