| March 9, 2007 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: Mitt Romney–must stop using the state of Massachusetts as a punchline unless he prefaces it with, "You know, the state that is so horribly liberal I chose to live and raise my family there for the last 30 years." You don't hear Bush shitting on Texas or Cheney making fun of Transylvania.
New Rule: Ex-New Yorkers have to stop bitching about how there's no good pizza in L.A. You're a junior agent at William Morris, not Joe Pesci. People in L.A. don't care about pizza because, unlike New Yorkers, after we pay rent, we have money left over to buy real food. Just bought another three years of bad press in New York.
Okay, New Rule: Ads for Disneyland shouldn't be sexy. This photo of Scarlett Johansson playing Cinderella makes me "Matter-horny." One look at those "Space Mountains" and, well, let's just say, it's not a "Small World" in my pants. And that's wrong, because Disney is for kids. It's not supposed to be hot. There's a name for someone who gets turned on at the Magic Kingdom. [photo shown of Michael Jackson]
New Rule: There are no Kodak moments if you can't show your face. And you thought your vacation photos were boring. "Wife #3, can you scoot in a bit, I'm cutting off your arm." "Oh, wait, that's the arm I actually did cut off." I'm going to get pissed in a minute, but, okay.
And finally, New Rule: The right wing press has to spare us the inevitable spate of stories about how the surge in Iraq is working. You know, like it's a dandruff shampoo. Let me give you a preview of what the next few months are going to look like. This is the cover of the National Review from May of 2005. The first line of the story says, "It is time to say it unequivocally, we are winning in Iraq." Then there's an article predicting that Britney Spears will be bigger than the Beatles because she's a musical genius who totally has her shit together.
Now, before you even start with the "there you go, rooting for America to fail," no, I'm not. I'm rooting for you to see reality. I'd love us to turn things around in Iraq. But, so far, The Secret isn't making it happen. Yes, murders are down in Baghdad since the surge started. Just the way daddy stops hitting mommy when the police are standing on the front porch.
The way you tend to stop having sex with your secretary when your wife walks in the room. This is what John McCain called our "Whack-a-Mole" strategy, except that you can actually win at "Whack-a-Mole." But, we can't stay in Baghdad forever. Yes, we can temporarily stem violence in any given area with our policy of going house-to-house, kicking in doors and rousting the locals. Or, as Bush calls it, "winning hearts and minds."
But, we're not going to bluff the Arabs into thinking we're more stubborn than they are. That's like trying to bring peace to Northern Ireland with a drinking contest.
Now, I would never say that Islam is not a religion of peace. Because if you do, they'll kill you. It's a religion of peace. There's a piece of you there. There's a piece of you over there. But, this little tiff between the Crips and the Bloods over there that's been going on since 632 A.D., and there are only so many times you can turn the corner before you realize you're going in circles.
I've seen this movie, this "Surge" movie. It's called "Staying the Course," and it stars President "Daydream Believer" as a square-jawed fighter pilot who refuses to give up. And it ends with him back in Texas, driving his go-kart into a guppy pond.
The news may be getting better out of Iraq, but the truth isn't.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I appreciate you being here.
