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Maher: All right, I've got to New Rules. But I agree with that. All right, thank you, panel. Scarborough: Thanks. Maher: I promise I won't interrupt any of you again. All right. New Rules! Now that a new study has confirmed that this younger generation has way too much self-esteem, parents must start telling their kids every day that they're stupid and lazy. And I'd like to add that you're also uninformed, obsessed with your looks, lack moral standards, and dress like a whore. And what are you doing Saturday? New Rule: Shorten the Oscars by getting rid of Live Action Short, Animated Short, Documentary Short. Why should your 12-minute movie make our TV show take four hours? Give them their own special night and air it only in Hungary, Germany and Quebec. The apparent mega-hubs of the short film industry. Have it hosted by a violinist, a Holocaust survivor and a bear made out of clay. And make it four minutes long. New Rule: The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast. There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in. I'll make you a deal. You tell me why you're not open for breakfast, and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway. I kid the Asians. I got mad love for the Asians. Don't write me. New Rule: Dick Cheney must be shown this picture to see if it elicits any sort of human response whatsoever. Look, Dick, it's a kitten playing with a bird. Isn't it cute? "Aw, no, Wolf, I see a fitter cat excited sighted for the kill." "Ripping off the head of a clearly weaker species, orgasmic in its desire to consume and savor the taste of blood." Okay, just checking. New Rule: George Bush can't have any more visitors until he finishes his homework. He can't see you now, he's losing a war to Arab teenagers. Three weeks ago it was the Carolina Hurricanes. This week it was the Miami Heat. From now on, if he wants to meet any more sports heroes, he has to get in line behind all the other retarded kids. And finally, New Rule: If you don't think your daughter getting cancer is worse than your daughter having sex, you're doing it wrong. Last year, modern medicine came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that can virtually wipe out the sexually-transmitted disease called HPV, which leads to the cancer. But not everyone is pleased with this vaccine. There are Christian values groups and churches nationwide who are fighting it. Briget Maher – no relation–and none planned – formerly of the Family Research Council– says giving girls the vaccine is bad because– quote – "the girls may see it as a license to engage in pre-marital sex." Hey, Mrs. Maher, let me tell you something. Your daughter is already on the Internet exchanging bondage fantasies with a German boy she met on MySpace. Forget HPV. She's on to S&M. And Mrs. Maher, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there's only one foolproof method to make a woman abstinent: marry her. So, let's review here. HPV is a new STD that the CDC wants teens vaccinated for PDQ. And that's not sitting well with the Harper Valley PTA. They think if a teenage girl feels a little prick, she's going to want to feel a whole lot more. But, HPV shots don't cause promiscuity. Tequila shots do. And MTV. And having moron parents you want to escape from. Hey, when you're 15 years old, breathing encourages sexual activity. But, let's be frank. These values groups aren't just against the HPV shot. They're against family planning and condoms and morning-after pills. They want to make sure sex is as dangerous as possible, so that kids know if they sleep around and get an STD, that's God teaching them a lesson. And that lesson is: "You should never have tried out for 'American Idol' in the first place!" Now, I know our kids are dumb. I just read it in a New Rule. But, will they really have sex with anything that moves just because they know there's a vaccine? People don't get the vaccine for typhoid and say, "Great, now I can drink the sewer water in Bombay!" It's like being against a cure for blindness because it'll encourage masturbation! It's like being for the salmonella poisoning in peanut butter because it will discourage weirdos from spreading it on their ass and calling the dog! If this is the nonsense you're teaching your kids, they're already screwed. |
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