| October 28, 2005 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
It is now time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules.
Okay, New Rule: I don't need a reminder at the bottom of the TV screen to tell me "You're watching 'Lost.'" Somehow, we got through the first 50 years of television knowing what show we were watching by looking at it! If Lucy is on, it's "Lucy." If it's some guys playing football, it's probably football. Here's how I know I'm watching "Lost." I'm bored.
New Rule: Down in front. At the World Series, someone put George and Barbara making out on the Jumbotron. Please don't encourage them. Science is doing amazing things with reproductive health, and we need to make sure they're done breeding. And besides, once they start, then everybody starts. [photo of White Sox coach Ozzie Guillen kissing White Sox player] That's a disturbing picture.
New Rule: Jennifer Aniston must start dating Osama bin Laden. Our government has spent four years and billions of dollars trying to find him. If we put the job in the hands of the real professionals, the paparazzi, "Osamifer" would be on the next cover of US Weekly.
New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus Christ. And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to "I'm With Stupid." The good news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth.
New Rule: The dead must stop talking to hot chicks. It's hard enough being single. The last thing I need is to get cock-blocked by John Wilkes Booth! And why does a woman's sixth sense always have to be seeing dead people? Why can't it be knowing when to shut the hell up during the ballgame?
And finally, New Rule: Adults in this country have to awaken their inner child and then abort it. Halloween is here, and America needs to be reminded that this is a holiday meant for children. A chance for them to dress up and get a jumpstart on Type 2 diabetes. So this Halloween, I say parents have to dress up as adults.
Now, Halloween is a day that should be for kids, because it's about scaring people with made-up stories, preferably leaked through the New York Times. Now, when I was a kid, parents understood that their role in Halloween was to be the dork in street clothes scraping dog shit from a flaming bag of poop on their shoe. But in 2005, adults are not just dressing up. Time magazine reports that 90% of parents steal from their own kids' Halloween candy. And even worse, many parents have also dipped into their kids' pot, condoms and ammo.
Maybe it's no wonder baby boomers are regressing, turning to all types of childish pursuits for hobbies. There's adult slumber parties now. Hula Hoop classes, spelling bees in bars. And if you're at Disneyland and you're not eight or dating someone who is- you'd better be on acid.
I mean, it's one thing to take your kid to a kid event like "Barney on Ice" and act bored, because you are. That's healthy. It sends a positive signal to your child that you love them enough to endure crap. But parents who actually dig kids' stuff send a different message: "Dad's a loser." Nowadays, adults play videogames; they trade baseball cards; they wear sneakers to restaurants, and wear their favorite player's jersey. At night. Hoping to get laid.
Grown women play with dolls. If you're over 20 and you have a doll in your house, you'd better be a guy and the doll better be inflatable.
Let me - let me conclude by citing that great scholar, Harriet Miers. In her correspondence to George Bush, where she stated that her fondest wish for him was that his children would think him "cool." Who gives a shit if your kids think you're cool? You have nuclear weapons!! This year, let's get the adults out of Halloween so it can be enjoyed by the people it was really meant for in the first place: the gays.
Thank you very much. You're a great crowd, great panel. My guests, Billy Connolly, Nadira Hira, Tony Snow, Richard Clarke and Helen Thomas. Thank you very much, everybody.
