| April 15, 2005 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody.
New Rule: No answering the phone during sex. According to Ad Age magazine, 15% of Americans answer their cell phones during sex. Which is not only rude but dangerous because it interferes with your driving. Trust me, when a woman is screaming, "I'm coming, I'm coming!" she doesn't want to hear that "You're breaking up, you're breaking up!"
New Rule: Britney Spears and her husband have to name their new baby "Shithead." It's the redneck version of "Apple." And while we're at it, stop bugging her about smoking. It's a little late to start worrying about the DNA when half of it is Kevin Federline's.
New Rule: Let TV shows die a natural death. Fans of the canceled TV series, "Star Trek: Enterprise," are trying to raise enough money on their own to pay for another season! It's either that or go outside. So far, they've raised $3 million largely by not dating. Hey, Trekkies, if you really want to donate money to a lost cause, try moveon.org. [audience "oohs"] I guess this is one of those weeks where we really didn't get a big conservative part of the audience.
New Rule: Stop saying anybody or anything is like the Nazis, okay? Republicans aren't like the Nazis. Even Neo-Nazis aren't like the Nazis. Nothing is like the Nazis...except for Wal-Mart.
And finally, New Rule: Parents have to stop coddling their children. The latest is, schools have stopped grading papers with red ink because of complaints that a big, mean, red X is too negative. Why, a kid might even think he got it wrong and learn something. These parents today are so fixated on protection, it's amazing they ever got pregnant in the first place.
A recent reality show called "Super Nanny" placed an old-school, discipline-wielding nanny into a family where the mother can't figure out the reason she's having a nervous breakdown is that she says things to her kids like, "Tyler, mommy would really appreciate it if you didn't throw rocks at me." You know, moms and dads these days are like the Democratic Party: lame, spineless and not holding up their end of the equation. And kids are like the Republicans: drunk with power and out of control!
Maybe that's why there's also a new phenomenon called "parent coaching," a kind of tech-support service for clueless parents when their 3.0-year-old goes haywire. As described in a recent New York Times article, here are some of the questions a typical mom asks her parenting coach: What should she do when Skylar won't do his chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner?
Now, for those of you who are saying, "But, Bill, you're not a parent," I say, "True. But I have one thing these parents apparently don't: a brain!" This is not rocket science. What you should do when Skylar won't do his chores. How about using your size advantage. Make him. Because if there's one thing we know about kids, it's that if you give them an inch, the authorities will raid your Neverland Ranch.
Yes, like Michael Jackson, parents these days act like they're on a date with their children. Trying to impress them, trying to buy their love and never contradicting them or giving them a big red X when they're wrong.
So, no, I don't have kids. And you know what? I don't intend to have any until people start making some I'd want my kids to play with! Until then, I'm just glad I own a lot of stock in Ritalin.
All right, that's our show. I want to thank my guests, Thomas Friedman, Barbara Boxer, David Frum, Natalie Maines, General Wesley Clark. And thank you, too, you're a great crowd. Goodnight, folks.
