March 18, 2005

Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend

All right, we've got to go to New Rules.
All right. New Rule: Stop calling the media "elite and liberal" and start calling them what they really are: "lazy." It came out this week that the Bush Administration has been producing its own news segments, complete with their own "correspondents" and sending them off to local news outlets who air them untouched. No wonder Hunter Thompson blew his brains out! I'm sorry, but the local news is not the place for government propaganda. It's the place for car chases, kittens caught in trees and a meteorologist whose previous job was at Hooters.

New Rule: Don't try to talk to me about any dream you've had that I wasn't in. There's a very limited audience that's interested in your dreams. That's why they're only showing in your head!

New Rule: You don't need to study malt liquor. A ground-breaking new study found that malt liquor usually comes in a bigger bottle, has more alcohol than regular beer, and is largely a drink of the homeless and unemployed. All facts most people learn after their first date with Tara Reid. I'm going to save you guys some time: Jagermeister and Mad Dog 20/20 aren't varieties of Pinot either.

New Rule: Time Magazine has to change its name to God Weekly. This week, Mary is on the cover again. In the last two years, Time has put out: "The Secrets of the Nativity," "The God Gene," "Faith, God and the Oval Office," "The Bible and the Apocalypse," "Who Was Moses?", "What Jesus Saw," "Why Did Jesus Have to Die?", "Jesus in 2000." If Jesus gets any more free press, he's going to start thinking he's Paris Hilton.

Look, I understand we have a lot of Christians in this nation, but how about a little equal time? "Vishnu to Ganesh: Drop Dead." And "Is There No Pleasing Zeus?"

And finally, New Rule: Homeland Security can't call itself "Homeland Security" until it provides homeland security. Now, according to the FBI report this week, airlines are still a prime target for Al Qaeda, mainly because airline security in America remains a "faith-based initiative."

Now, President Bush, as you just said, has certainly proved himself resolute when he wants to make something an issue. We could sure use his steely resolve on this one. Or to paraphrase Judge Judy, "Don't pee on my leg and tell me you're a bomb-sniffin' dog."

Now, as a comedian, I do a lot of flying, and some of it is in airplanes.

Which unfortunately only leave from airports, which have become bureaucratic nightmares that test our patience, our sense of logic and our ability to hide a small brick of hash inside a hollowed-out can of deodorant. I'm kidding.

ROS-LEHTINEN: So Homeland Security is working then. You can't say it isn't.

MAHER: Now, if you're looking for a reason terrorists haven't hijacked another plane, I think I know what it is. It's too much of a hassle! I mean, seriously, people, I'm on the road a lot. Sometimes I honestly can't remember who packed my bag!

And did you hear the latest? As of next month: no lighters on the plane. This, of course, will do nothing to change the safety equation, but it will ensure that if the passengers enjoy the terrorists' work, they still can't bring them back for an encore.

And the new luggage screening system which everyone agrees would help a lot remains on the drawing board because the Bush Administration insists the airlines pay for it. Are they high? The airlines are broker than Michael Jackson. Delta announced last week it was taking away the pillows. The pillows? That's like Holiday Inn saying they can't afford the mint! Plus, now what am I supposed to use to muffle the crying kid next to me?

You know - you know, there's what we pay lip service to, and then there's what we pay money for. And that is what we actually value. We could have good security at the airport. We know how to do it. Have you ever been to a casino? There's more cameras than a Korean wedding. [groans] With all kinds of zoom lenses that can count the stitches on your date's sex change from 50 feet! You can't do math in your head in a casino--without being spotted, reported on videotape, hustled off the floor and buried in the desert by Joe Pesci!

So I guess what I'm saying is, am I just a dreamer, or could we try to make the airports at least as secure as Circus Circus?!

All right. Thank you. You were a great crowd from both parties. I appreciate it. I want to thank my guests, Governor Frank Murkowski, Thomas Frank, Christie Todd Whitman, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, and of course Jason Alexander. Thank you, folks. Good job!