| October 22, 2004 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
All right, it is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen.
All right. New Rule: God is a waffler. This week, we learned that God told Pat Robertson that Iraq would be a bloody disaster. But the same God told George Bush it wouldn't. Which so surprised Robertson, he almost dropped the pennies he was stealing off a dead woman's eyes. But why is God talking out of two sides of His mouth? Flip-flop, flip-flop! God told us to beat our swords into ploughshares. God... wrong on defense. Wrong for America.
New Rule: Stop wallowing! Three years after 9/11, ballparks still insist on a giant seventh inning buzz kill with a somber rendition of "God Bless America." You know, there's a thin line between loving America and stalking it. Please, we've already sung the National Anthem. Now let me honor America the right way: by getting drunk on over-priced beer and yelling obscenities at millionaires on steroids.
New Rule: Donald Trump must go even farther with his hair and comb it completely over his face.
New Rule: Soldiers have to follow orders. In World War II, there was none of this "we're not going because we don't have the right equipment." You want equipment, join the Swiss Army. If your order is to ride a skateboard through a minefield to deliver a Zagnut Bar to Donald Rumsfeld - I'm sorry, that's the deal with the Army. Because you know what happens to soldiers who disobey direct orders? That's right. They become the President of the United States! Please, they'll think we live in a blue state.
New Rule: I don't need my cell phone to take pictures or access the Internet. I just need it to make a phone call. From everywhere! Not just from the places it likes. I'm not attempting a wireless mobile uplink to the Space Shuttle. I'm just finding out what time "Shark's Tale" is playing. When it comes to cell phones, I just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airline safety and gives me a brain tumor.
And finally, this one goes out to all the conservative women out there. New Rule: If you're so sure the embryos needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term.
That's right. Put your cervix where your mouth is. Now, right now in America, there are thousands of stem cells sitting in fertility clinics that are not allowed to be used for research, will be destroyed after a year or two, and could be right now implanted in a lady's hoo-hoo - to make a screaming, mewling infant that would, ironically, make you sorry you were ever born.
Now here's how far back along the chain of life stem cells are. They're called stem cells because they haven't even decided what kind of cells they're going to be. So it's very close to declaring that life begins when you're just thinking about fucking somebody. Which is just about how most right wing prudes like George Bush would like it. The last people in Washington this obsessed with preserving sperm were Monica Lewinsky and her dry cleaner. This is, after all, an administration that absolutely hates Planned Parenthood. But then again, judging by Iraq, they hate planned anything.
Did you know that our president spent the entire month before 9/11 on his ranch working on the stem cell issue, trying, as he said, "to bridge the worlds of ethics and science." Seriously, could there be anything George Bush knows less about than ethics and science?
Okay, it comes down to this. Here's something that may be life. A tiny speck of sub-atomic goo. Here's something that is life: Michael J. Fox. One is invisible to the naked eye. The other was in "Back to the Future." With research properly funded, scientists believe we could do everything from curing Parkinson's to regenerating spinal cord tissue in Democrats.
So, ladies of the far right, what do you say? There are thousands of extra embryos sitting around in fertility clinic freezers all over America right now just waiting for a good home. There's no obligation and no salesman will call. So, ladies, if you're not going to finish those eggs, come on, go ahead, knock yourself up!
All right. That's our show. I want to thank Robert Kennedy, Jr., Dr. Bernadine Healy, James Rubin, James Woolsey, Bradley Whitford. Thank you, folks! We'll see you next week!