| January 16, 2004 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
New Rule: Don't memorialize an attack that left two giant gaping holes in the ground by building two giant gaping holes in the ground! That doesn't look like a monument. It looks like Donald Trump started to build something and went bankrupt again.
New Rule: You can't criticize a governor, Al, for not hiring black people in his cabinet when his state has no black people.
SHARPTON: Yes, I can.
ISSA: He did get you on that.
SHARPTON: No, he didn't.
MAHER: No, no. When he was governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, it's true, never appointed an African American to his cabinet, possibly because there's only one African American in Vermont, and she's on the maple syrup bottle. [Aunt Jemima syrup bottle shown]
ISSA: HBO.
MAHER: New Rule: Three and a half hours is too long for a movie about magical midgets. "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" is so long you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. The "Rings" trilogy runs almost nine hours. You could marry Britney Spears twice. If I wanted to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, I'll take drugs.
New Rule: George Bush isn't Hitler. In the contest sponsored by MoveOn.org, two entries compared Bush to Hitler, ignoring the first rule for being taken seriously by grown-ups, which is don't call everyone you don't like, Hitler. Bush is not Hitler. For one thing, Hitler was a decorated frontline combat veteran.
Also, in the election that brought him to power in 1933, Hitler got more votes than the other candidate. And Hitler had a mustache. So let's all take a rest from playing the Hitler card. Unless we're talking about Saddam Hussein. Now, that guy was Hitler.
ISSA: Or at least Mussolini-plus.
MAHER: Mussolini-plus. And finally, Iowa is not the boss of me. Why do Iowans get to be the ones to decide who loses to Bush in November? Nothing against Iowa, but this whole early caucus is just their way of getting attention. Paris Hilton makes a video; they have a caucus. A caucus of people who are not exactly representative of Iowa, let alone America. I've spent time in Iowa. Their idea of a minority is the Irish.
Wetzel's Pretzels are considered soul food there. And yet most of the candidates have been living in Iowa lately, all vying to set up the most efficient, statewide ass-kissing machine. Leveling with the voters about the big issues facing America today: ethanol subsidies and tax credits for manure spreaders.
Now, as a citizen of a state other than Iowa, watching all this, as you might imagine, it makes me giddy at the embarrassment of riches with which I'm being presented. Gosh, Dean is better at flipping pancakes, but Edwards looks so good milking a cow. Lieberman can name more books in the Bible, but Dick Gephardt's kid almost died. I guess I'm undecided.
Undecided about the candidates. Not about Iowa and the caucus system. Now, in case you're wondering exactly what this caucus system is, okay, in all 99 of Iowa's precincts, they lock small groups of people in a house or a school for up to eight hours, during which time you discuss the various candidates with your neighbors. And when the Sanka runs out, you vote.
Everybody gets a turn trying to sell everybody else on their candidate. And ultimately, people try to form alliances and get other delegates to vote with them. So it's good to know the way we pick the leader of the free world is kind of an in-home version of "Survivor."
Now, this may have been a viable way of picking candidates in the 1800s, but now that we have modern conveniences like the telegraph...it does ring a tad archaic. Sorry, but you just don't choose a president by locking a bunch of older, white extremists in a room and not letting them out until someone gets 15% support. That's how you choose a pope. All right. Thank you to General Wesley Clark, Moby, Ron Silver, Congressman Darrell Issa and Reverend Al Sharpton. Thank you very much, folks!
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