| August 29, 2003 | Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend |
All right, New Rule: No more celebrating gastric bypass. Carny Wilson, Al Roker and now Starr Jones are all being heralded by the media for stapling their stomachs shut. They shouldn't be. They're not making a brave choice to change. They're giving money to doctors to reroute their ability to turn food into crap. It's like kicking cocaine by crazy gluing your nostrils shut.
New Rule: Lesbian kisses aren't risqué. They're desperate cries for attention. Sucking face with another chick means one of three things: nobody is paying attention to you at the bar. No one is watching your sitcom, or no one is buying your shitty album. Lesbian experimentation should be done in the privacy of a dorm room at Arizona State University.
New Rule: Stop whining about gas prices. It's good that it costs a lot. And not just because the sales tax will help pay for our twice-a-year governor elections. It's also good if it makes you think of walking the three blocks from your house to Del Taco instead of taking the Land Cruiser. Gasoline costs a lot because we have to find it, bribe or kill the people who live on top of it, extract it, refine it, ship it and pump it. You'll pay $2.00 a gallon and you'll like it, because you know what the alternative is: riding on the bus with poor people.
And finally, New Rule: If you're over 12, and you got excited this week about Mars, you need a girlfriend. This week, the planet Mars passed closer to the earth than at any time in the last 60,000 years, prompting NASA to press for another probe costing $325 million. And for what? The Mars mission was to look for ice. Guys, put down the slide rule and look at me. We already have ice. It's at a place called the 7-Eleven.
Now, the media keeps claiming Mars-mania is sweeping the world. No, gay guys giving straight guys a makeover is sweeping the world. This is just a red dot in the sky that for some reason NASA keeps shooting stuff at like it was a homeless Indian sleeping on Ted Nugent's lawn.
Look, I don't blame scientists for wanting to find life on other planets. That's what geeks do. They figure women on earth won't fuck me, maybe the ones one Zorkon will.
But it's time we got real and admitted we're not ready for this. We haven't mastered cyberspace. Maybe in another thousand years, we'll have teleportation and all that other "Star Trek" stuff. But with our current technology, we can't even make William Shatner's hair look real.
Like it or not, we are still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation. And I don't just mean Fox News. Get a man to Mars! We can't even get electricity to Rochester! If you're that desperate for contact with an alien, drive by the Home Depot around 7:30 in the morning and hire one to build you a deck.
Mars won't be this close again until the year 2287, which is when future Republicans are expected to finally have all the data they need to believe in global warming.
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