November 14, 2008

Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend

New Rule: Stop saying that we've overcome racism just because we've found a qualified black man and elected him president. Everybody knows we won't have true equality until we elect a dumb, unqualified black man. [slide of Bush doing African dance]

New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass.

New Rule: Stop calling it "Scotch" tape. I ate a whole roll; I didn't even get tipsy.

New Rule: Hank Paulson must drop the $700 billion in bailout money from a plane and let everyone scramble for it on the ground. Sure, it'll be chaos, but at least this way we have a chance of getting our money back.

New Rule: Stop following me around the parking lot so you can take my spot. I don't even have a car! I'm just wandering around because Obama won and I'm on acid!

New Rule: Go away! [slide of Sarah Palin and John McCain on talk shows] If John McCain and Sarah Palin want to keep appearing on television, they must sing or do magic tricks. If we wanted to keep seeing you, we would have voted for you.

Now, Sarah, you walk away with $150,000 in parting gifts, and our thanks for playing our game. Now, go back to Alaska and wait for your year's supply of Rice-A-Roni.

The last time I saw a loser hang around this long was Sanjayah.

And, finally, New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Yes...our majority white country just freely elected a black president; something no other democracy has ever done. Take that, Canada! Where's your Nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Stephen Harper. And mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama!

That's right, everybody. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the good old U.S.A. I've gone from "God damn America" to "God damn, America!"

I feel like a hockey mom at the state fair getting felt up by Hank Williams Jr. While fireworks go off and Jesus appears in my cotton candy. It would be stupid not to be stupid about it.

So, I'd like to take this moment when we've finally got one right, to bask in a little unwarranted, unapologetic, irrational, faux patriotism. Or, as Fox News calls it, "regular programming."

Now, I might regret this. It's kind of like going grocery shopping when you're high. But, here goes, world...[with patriotic music under]

We're Americans. We built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and Joan Rivers. We're the only country that can look at a sandwich made of ice cream and chocolate cookies covered in fudge and think, "Ah, you think we could fry that?"

And you know what? YES, WE CAN!

They may have 72 virgins, but we have 31 Flavors.

You know what our favorite burger topping is? Another burger!

We invented rock 'n' roll, jazz, funk, R&B, and hip-hop. Without our music, your iPods would be filled with ABBA, Menudo and Men At Work. And you wouldn't have iPods.

Not only did we create the Internet, we're the ones who filled it up with porn.

Jefferson lived here. And Miles Davis and Mark Twain and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of.

In America, strippers and Disney stars have an equal right to be named "Hannah Montana."

And I was freely able to make a movie saying there's no afterlife, and you could watch it while eating crap that'll kill you. But, that's okay, because our corn-fed high school sophomores are bigger than your soldiers, and they're better armed.

I ask you, in what other nation would they tax young people to make sure old people can afford erections?

What you call "football," we call "soccer." And what you call "war crimes," we call "football."

So, let me just say it again: we elected a black guy, and it was because he was the best candidate. Not because it was some cheap gimmick. And we should know, because we are also the country that invented cheap gimmicks.

Yes, America is like Jessica Simpson. Sometimes it's so stupid it embarrasses you, but, on the other hand, how about them titties?!